The Movie Slut

The Movie Slut is Officially Moving!

2008-11-11T02:44:00.002-05:00

I know, I know... It's been months since I've posted.

My life got a LOT busier there for a while. Then I moved to Vegas. Then I've been busy looking for a job. And now that I've finally got some free time, I'm moving again.

But this time I'm relocating electronically! I was approached by a Las Vegan (yeah, that's really what they're called) that was looking for a movie reviewer. I linked him to my stuff, sure that my irreverent foul mouth would exclude me from any such team environment. Turns out, it wasn't the case at all. He's pretty fucking irreverent too.

The site is an easy one to remember/find. It's called GameTechWorld.com and the owner has some big plans for it. Big plans. Maybe something really cool will come from it, maybe not. Either way, I'll still be reviewing the same weird movies. Now I'm just contributing to something bigger. The only drawback is that I'll have to hold my tongue a smidge. Ass stays ass, but fucking turns to f***ing. You get the idea.

I was feeling the itch to get back to reviewing again. Now I've found a home for my thoughts. My readers get the added benefit of some game and technology reviews along with their film reviews. And I get the added benefit of educating some tasteless gamers about what makes a good film. ;-)

See ya there kids!

P.S. My reviews show up as "Written by Jarvis". My real name, who'd have thought...

The Uninvited Guest (El Habitante Incierto) - 2004

2008-06-22T20:04:00.004-04:00

What It Is: A bad ass psychological romp from Spain.

Why I Watched It: I have no idea. I stuck it in the Netflix Queue for a reason, but I'll be damned if I could remember why.

What I Thought: Sneakily, unexpectedly awesome!

Dude has a spat with his girl and she moves out. As soon as she does, he starts hearing odd noises in his house. He starts to believe these noises are made by someone in the house. As time goes on, dude starts to think these noises are actually being made by someone who's living in his house.

And the bizarrely fucking awesome just amplifies from there!!

Highlights: Parallels man, parallels.

Who Should See It: Smart people that like crazy, cool, weirdly, awesome movies.

How Soon: Sooner the better. This one's really good people!

Review Dump - June 2008

2008-06-06T17:06:00.027-04:00

War, Inc. - 2008

What It Is: Witty satire on the privatization of the military.
What I Thought: Equal parts funny, thought-provoking, and scary!

Robocop - 1987

What It Is: Old-school ultra-violent sci-fi action movie.
What I Thought: I watched some graphic shit as a kid, and still love it today!

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull - 2008

What It Is: The first Indy movie in 19 years.

What I Thought: Just as awesome as the originals, and Shia was cool too.

F*ck - 2005

What It Is: A fun and funny documentary on a very flexible word.
What I Thought: A lot of really fucking funny fuckers enter-fucking-tained me.

Fool's Gold - 2008

What It Is: Adventure film with the dim-witted but lovable McConaughey.
What I Thought: A dim-witted but lovable film.

The Edge of Heaven (Auf der anderen Seite) - 2007

What It Is: A gritty drama by the director of Head On.
What I Thought: Visceral, but not quite as cool as Head On.

Perfume: The Story of a Murderer (Das Parfum – Die Geschichte eines Mörders) - 2006

2008-05-20T17:45:00.006-04:00

What It Is: A beautiful, if difficult to explain, German film.

Why I Watched It: Recommended to me by a few close friends.

What I Thought: Incredible!

Perfume tells the story of an orphan in 1700's France with a supernaturally potent sense of smell. He becomes obsessed with cataloguing and experiencing every smell in the world. But there is one smell far more intoxicating than any others, the smell of innocence. Unfortunately, this proves a very difficult smell to preserve and his attempts lead to the murders of a several local virgins.

Perfume was beautifully executed from the uniquely disturbing (and equal parts enthralling) story, to the excellent camera work, and the great performances. This movie was fantastic because of and in addition to its strangeness. What more can you really ask for?

Highlights: Gorgeous girls, an excellent lead by Ben Whishaw, beautifully shot, and an awesomely original story!

Who Should See It: Dark fantasy fans, slasher fans, and crime buffs.

How Soon: Now!

Soldier - 1998

2008-05-17T18:33:00.004-04:00

What It Is: A fucking awesome Kurt Russel sci-fi flick!

Why I Watched It: It was free and I couldn't remember if it was good or not.

What I Thought: I was . . . moved.

You think I'm joking? Not at all.

On the surface, Soldier is a sci-fi actioner about an aging vet that's replaced by a new breed of genetically engineered super soldiers only to face off against them when they threaten innocent refugees. If that's all it had going for it, Soldier still would've been entertaining.

Dig just a bit deeper (chemically aided or otherwise), however, and Soldier has a whole lot more going for it. It's really the story of a little boy handpicked by the military to be the perfect soldier. This boy (and others like him) was raised by the military from birth. Instead of playing, he learned close combat. Instead of catch, he learned how to keep his shot group tight with an automatic weapon. Most importantly however, he was never taught anything else. He was never socialized beyond military discipline, he never interacted with civilians and he never got a vacation. You get the idea.

So when you go deeper, Soldier is about this little boy who's forced to interact with civilians for the first time in his life. Abandoned by the military that trained him, he has to find a new purpose in life. He has to cope with his PTSD. He has to learn to let his guard down. He has to learn how to be human!

Not only is this emotional ride pulled off brilliantly, but Soldier struck me pretty hard because it resonated strongly with me by reminding me of my military friends and my 'Nam vet father. I strongly feel this was Kurt Russel's best performance EVER. When he's doing soldier things, he's a calm and confident alpha male. When that same grown man is hugged for the first time ever, he's a quivering frightened little boy. It's fucking amazing!

Highlights: Kurt's boyish blue eyes, the growl, Sean Pertwee, Gary Busey, fun action and an emotionally gripping story!

Who Should See It: Action fans, soldiers, and Russel or Busey fans.

How Soon: Sooner the better. Moved, man, moved!

Mad Money - 2008

2008-05-17T18:19:00.003-04:00

*I never would've watched this movie voluntarily. So a Mini-Slut graciously provided this review for us!*

What it is: A tale of three women who work for the Federal Reserve who plot to steal the soon-to-be recycled cash.

Why I Watched It: I like Queen Latifah (especially in Chicago) and I assumed that she could do no wrong. Obviously, I was mistaken, but I blame Katie.

What I Thought: Oh dear god, where to begin…First of all, I couldn’t finish it.

I hated all of the characters in the movie, except for Queen Latifah’s character. She was stealing money to pay for better schools for her kids. Diane Keaton was a selfish Upper Middle Class house wife who couldn’t take responsibility for her consumerist lifestyle. Not a very flattering role, I’m more used to you being neurotic and horny. Katie Holmes’s character is a twit. Not a far reach for someone of her acting capacity, but shit I’d lick toilet bowls to get away from Tom Cruise biting my ankles and poking me with toy lasers.

But the story was not very believable. They’d walk out of the Reserve with cash sticking out of their underwear in full sight of everyone, like they were strippers. Who exactly are they fooling? Tom Cruise maybe?

Also they have their facts wrong. According to IMDB: When currency is destroyed at a Federal Reserve, it is carefully accounted for: serial number, denomination, and destroy date. During cash processing, no employee at the Federal Reserve is allowed to be left alone with the money. In Federal Reserve cash processing facilities, multiple denominations of money are never allowed to mingle.

So, my theory is: Katie Holmes paid some poor writer [to give] her a part that was easy to act out so she could get away from her bat-shit crazy husband and his sci-fi nutjob followers. And she must’ve paid Diane Keaton and Queen Latifah a shitload of money to go in on it, to make it look like a legitimate movie. Katie, you are a sly one.

Highlights: The Screensaver on the DVD after I turned it off.

Who Should See It: [She didn't say, but I'm guessing no one.]

How Soon: [Again, she didn't say. I'm guessing never.]

*I'm the Movie Slut and I approve this message. :-P*

Lament for Contact Lenses... Update!

2008-05-12T19:42:00.008-04:00

The God-of-Old-School-Cartoon-to-Shiny-New-Movie-Conversions does exist! And he heard me!

Happiest Movie Slut EVER!

Harold and Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay

2008-05-09T15:51:00.007-04:00

What It Is: The almost-awesome sequel to the awesome Harold and Kumar go to White Castle.

Why I Watched It: The first one was excellent!

What I Thought: Overall, it was good.

It started a little slow, not so funny, and uncomfortably lewd (like twisting in your seat trying to dodge the obscenity flying at you lewd). Eventually, though, H&K2 managed to settle into a good and funny (if sometimes disturbing) groove.

The absolute coolest thing about the film, is that the plot of H&K2 begins approximately 2.5 minutes after the first movie. How awesome is that? I can't recall a single other sequel that literally continued the plot of the first film like that. It was very cool.

Keep in mind, this movie was funny, but the first movie was AWESOME. It's an important distinction.

Highlights: The "My Dick" song, Doogie's back, and . . . the bottomless party!

Who Should See It: Fans of the first film and of brainless humor in general.

How Soon: Whenever you need an easy if unsettling laugh.

The Core - 2003

2008-05-09T15:42:00.004-04:00

What It Is: Sci-fi tale about a trip to the earth's core, sans any primeval jungles or dinosaurs.

Why I Watched It: I was in the mood for pretty visuals.

What I Thought: It delivered on the visuals, but that's about it.

The whole movie was pretty mediocre. Mediocre plot, mediocre performances, and a mostly mediocre cast. Save for Delroy Lindo. I fucking love that guy!

The Core is certainly pretty, but that's really about it.

Highlights: The idea of using WMDs to save the world, Delroy Lindo, Aaron Eckhart, a cheesy fun hacker part, and pretty effects.

Who Should See It: I'd suggest it only to hard core sci-fi fans.

How Soon: Take your time. It's not getting any better and it probably won't get any worse.

Streets of Fire - 1984

2008-05-03T15:11:00.004-04:00

What It Is: "A Rock & Roll Fable"

Why I Watched It: Being huge Warriors fans, we took a chance on another movie directed by Walter Hill.

What I Thought: Almost too awesome for words!

Streets of Fire is just fucking bizarre. So much of the movie was terrible (stiff acting, dialogue, etc), yet it's got more style than 95% of the movies made today. It's almost as if all the bad parts of the movie were blended together in such a skillful way that the end result was far, far greater than it's parts.

The plot involves a singer (Diane Lane) who's kidnapped by a gang (led by Willem Dafoe). The singer's friend sends a letter to her soldier-for-hire brother (Michael Pare) asking for help. The brother swaggers into town like so many other action hero loners to rescue the girl and defeat the Bombers. The plot felt fundamentally similar to a million other fantasy movies, action movies, and westerns, but the template of 80's rock and roll kept it fresh and fun.

I really don't know what else to say. This movie produced a feeling that is hard to put into words. Rest assured though, it was a really fucking good feeling.

Highlights: Pare as an awesome renegade hero type, Dafoe as a cool (if mildly androgynous) villain, exploding shotgun shells, scrappy sidekicks, awesomely cheesy dialogue, and a fucking sledge hammer duel!

Who Should See It: 80s movie fans and fans of other (not-so) musicals.

How Soon: Anytime!

Iron Man - 2008

2008-05-03T15:10:00.004-04:00

What It Is: Um, the big Hollywood movie based on Iron Man.

Why I Watched It: It was shiny!

What I Thought: A very fun comic movie.

Strangely enough, it felt a little more adult than your average Spider-Man or Superman tale. I'm not sure if it was Robert Downey's smart ass playboy role or the fact that Iron Man actually kills bad guys rather than just tying them up.

Regardless, the movie was fun and funny. Pretty goes without saying, this whole new generation of comic movies is sexy as hell and Iron Man was no different. Gwyneth Paltrow was as forgettable as always. God, I hate that woman. Jeff Bridges played a good maniacal villain though!

Did I mention Iron Man was really, really funny! Like surprisingly so!

I should mention, when you watch the film. Stay through the credits for a surprise cameo buy everyone's favorite Sam.

Highlights: The name of Stark's digital butler, an awesome performance from Robert Downey, and lots of funny bits!

Who Should See It: Comic fans, action fans, and the significant others that are dragged along with them.

How Soon: Makes a good theater trip while you wait for Indiana Jones 4!

Zeitgeist, The Movie - 2007

2008-04-29T11:36:00.003-04:00

What It Is: Documentary about controversial conspiracy theories regarding Christianity, the 9/11 attacks, and the NWO.

Why I Watched It: I heard it mentioned on Hometown Tales just before a buddy said "it'll literally change your life."

What I Thought: Extremely thought provoking.

Any of you that know me already know my #1 rule for movie watching. Have No Expectations. Did you ever notice how many people don't say a movie was bad or poorly edited, but instead say they were "let down"? You can't be let down if you never expected anything from the film to begin with. Forgetting what you want or need the film to be and simply enjoying it for what it actually is is the key to being a movie slut.

That said, I'm guessing no one knows my #1 rule for documentary film watching, but it should be no surprise. Documentaries Are Biased. A documentary, and media in general, is biased because the people creating it are biased. It's human nature and it's unavoidable. Even an American made historical documentary about Napoleon's exploits of 200 years ago would be selling a completely different view than a French made film about the same events. Does this mean documentaries are pointless to watch? Absolutely not! It just means you may have to watch more than one to get the whole story. Zeitgeist in particular, is selling a fairly unique viewpoint. These views have been around for a while, of course, but not readily available.

What views are we talking about? Well, Zeitgeist posits that Christianity as a whole is just a poor mash up of the Egyptian religion and pagan astrology, but it's links to pagan tradition should be pretty common knowledge to most. The film then puts forth evidence that 9/11 was a False Flag operation. In all honesty, that was my gut reaction when I watched it live on the news and I haven't yet been convinced otherwise. The last section of the film covers the (not at all)Federal Reserve Bank, secret cabals of international bankers, and their plans to unite the world under a global government that would make Emperor Palpatine proud. This last part was completely new to me.

Zeitgeist was a lot of thought provoking fun. Much like a Michael Moore documentary, the film was heavy handed with its sales pitch. But just like a Moore documentary, Zeitgeist's particular pitch was a side of the story we weren't hearing anywhere else. With the media covering the "War on Terror" every day, it's nice to finally see another side of the coin. Hell, it's nice to be reminded that coins are two-sided to begin with!

Ready for the best part? Zeitgeist is completely free! Watch it online via the website or download it with Bit Torrent for free. Watch this movie, but retain your critical thinking skills and stay just as skeptical of their facts as you are of everyone else's.

Highlights: Far too many juicy bits to mention. The whole movie is chock full of conspiracy, cover-ups, secrets, and more.

Who Should See It: Free thinkers, conspiracy theorists, skeptics, and anyone that doesn't eat what's shoved in their face without first asking "Wait. Where did this come from?"

How Soon: Now! Why not? It's fucking free!

The Forbidden Kingdom - 2008

2008-04-26T16:17:00.004-04:00

*I'm including an additional section for this review, based on all the mixed opinions I've heard regarding the film.*

What It Is Not: A stylish Asian martial arts epic along the lines of Crouching Tiger or Hero.

*Now that the disclaimer is out of the way, I can continue.*

What It Is: A fun martial arts adventure film... from Hollywood.

Why I Watched It: Jet Li and Jackie Chan, in the same movie!

What I Thought: Forbidden Kingdom was amazing. It was a super slick, updated version of all the crazy fantasy adventure films of my childhood.

Forbidden Kingdom was a lot of fun, but it wasn't the serious epic drama that a lot of people seem to be expecting. The movie starts with a normal American kid that loves old kung fu movies. Some bully's force him to help with a robbery, where he ends up with a magic staff that transports him to the China-like fantasy world known as the Middle Kingdom. In order to save the Middle Kingdom, he's got to return the staff to Monkey King.

The movie had far more in common with The Neverending Story and The Last Starfighter than it did with the recent slew of stylish martial arts epics. Hell, drop the sci-fi from The Last Starfighter and substitute some 70's kung fu and you're left with Forbidden Kingdom.

All that being said, the comedy was rough in some spots, but generally hilarious in others. The adventure aspects were super fun and the fight scenes were fucking amazing! I especially liked the myriad styles of kung fu that were showcased, from Eagle Claw to Drunken style.

Oh yeah. About the fight scene between Jackie Chan and Jet Li, it simply should not be missed!

Highlights: Summoning rain, drunken style, tiger style sound effects, hot girls, crazy hair, the Monkey King, and Jet Li and Jackie Chan in the same fucking movie!

Who Should See It: Fans of Jet Li, Jackie Chan, or Wushu in general.

How Soon: Catch it in the theater! It's far more fun than anything else out there right now.

The Hand - 1981

2008-04-26T13:25:00.005-04:00

What It Is: Stephen King-esque horror film, written and directed by Oliver Stone. Weird huh?

Why I Watched It: Plot synopsis alone.

What I Thought: Not bad.

Here's the plot. A comic artist loses his hand in a car accident and it's never recovered. His disability makes him more and more irritable until he becomes a proper fucker. Because of his growing hate, in addition to it, or for some other unknown reason, his severed hand decides it's time to get revenge on all the people making his life difficult.

How fucking awesome is that?! Unfortunately, as good as the plot is, the movie itself just doesn't pack the punch it should. It's far less disturbing than it should be and simply plays out like Addams Family's "Thing" on a strangling rampage. I got real tired of watching people get strangled by a disembodied hand. Perhaps my expectations were too high?

The one saving grace of the film is a kick ass faux twist at the end. I don't recall any other film doing this, but I've been wrong before.

Did I mention The Hand stars Michael Caine? No? It's probably because his performance really wasn't worth mentioning.

Highlights: The awesome car accident scene. Yeah, that's pretty much it.

Who Should See It: Only hardcore Caine fans or people that LOVE Stephen King knock offs.

How Soon: Skip it.

Hamburger Hill - 1987

2008-04-24T13:18:00.003-04:00

What It Is: War movie about one of the most pointless battles of the Vietnam war.

Why I Watched It: A sucker for Vietnam films, I hadn't seen it years and recalled it being one of the best.

What I Thought: It's one of the best Vietnam movies I know of!

There are a lot of damn good 'Nam movies. What makes Hamburger Hill so cool, aside from the awesome cast and exceptional performance by Courtney B. Vance, is the film's tight focus. We don't see the soldiers at home and we don't follow them through Basic Training or anything else. We just see a couple days leading up to the battle and the battle itself.

I think it's this focus that allows the movie to cover so much more than battle alone. We see the aloofness of the command structure, we see the mistreatment of new soldiers, we see further mistreatment by protesters at home. Hamburger Hill is as much about the politics of the Vietnam War as it is about the actual battle. And it portrays both with equal prowess.

Great fucking war movie!

Highlights: All the colorful 'Nam slang, a great cast, meaningful violence, good drama, profoundly pointless casualties, and kick ass monologue after kick ass monologue!

Who Should See It: History buffs and war movie fans.

How Soon: Anytime.

Ice Pirates - 1984

2008-04-24T13:16:00.004-04:00

What It Is: Classic sci-fi/action/comedy!

Why I Watched It: Me and a friend were exchanging sci-fi favorites from our childhood.

What I Thought: Just as much fun as it was when I was 8!

In the distant future, the galaxy runs dry. The only planet left with any water becomes the tyrannical controlling government and ships ice to other planets that depend on it. A few rogues are determined to engage in a little free enterprise and liberate some of this ice, until they get word of a lost water planet that will make them all rich.

Though Ice Pirates is a bit dated, it's still a lot of crazy fun.

Highlights: Ron Pearlman, blasters, swords, unicorns, androids, robots, toilet humor, space herpes, passion storms, timewarps, frog women, Mad Max style land vehicles, and swashbuckling abound!

Who Should See It: Fans of cheesy sci-fi, 80's movies, comedies, pirate movies, and especially cheesy 80's sci-fi pirate comedy movies!

How Soon: Whenever you're ready to be a kid again.

Spacehunter: Adventures in the Forbidden Zone - 1983

2008-04-24T13:15:00.002-04:00

What It Is: 80's sci-fi at its best/worst.

Why I Watched It: A buddy recommend it as a childhood classic.

What I Thought: Decent special effects, decent 80's cast, and a lot of cheesy fun!

The cast (Peter Strauss, Molly Ringwald, Ernie Hudson, and Michael Ironside) all came together to make this movie as fun as it was. With all the industrial clunk of Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome and the fantastic creatures of Krull, Spacehunter was one hell of an adventure movie.

I didn't even want to strangle Molly Ringwald! That right there says a lot. Looking at the poster, I'm just pissed that I never got to see this movie in 3-D.

Highlights: Dragons, corpulent pod people, sexy water nymphs, pulpy heroes, and cybernetic villains galore!

Who Should See It: Children of the 80s and bad sci-fi fans of any age.

How Soon: Whenever.

Warriors of the Wasteland (I Nuovi Barbari) - 1982

2008-04-21T22:39:00.003-04:00

What It Is: Truly bizarre Italian venture into the post-apocalyptic action genre.

Why I Watched It: Post-Apocalyptic storyline featuring Fred Williamson!

What I Thought: It's Italian, it's super low budget, and it's really, really strange. But don't let that turn you away. The action is surprisingly good and even the acting isn't bad. Death Race 2000 would make for a pretty good comparison and if you've never heard of Death Race you should probably skip Warriors of the Wasteland.

After the nuclear apocalypse, some people just try to survive while others are determined to finish the genocide that the war started. This latter group also happens to sport hairstyles straight from 80's metal bands, refer to each other with names like Shadow and One, and have unexpected sexual desires for our bad ass hero type. Very strange movie.

Highlights: Fred Williamson's explosive arrowheads, the genius child mechanic, hot love interest, homosexual genocidal big-hair barbarians, and the slowest land vehicles in any post-apocalyptic movie ever!

Who Should See It: Fans of terribly awesome sci-fi!

How Soon: Anytime.

Lament for Contact Lenses...

2008-04-18T23:57:00.008-04:00

Why god, why . . . did they take away the third hottest trait of hottest cartoon character ever?

Oh God-of-Old-School-Cartoon-to-Shiny-New-Movie-Conversions...

You didn't fail me with Transformers. Movie Optimus Prime had the exact same voice as cartoon Optimus did. I humbly ask but one more favor of you.

Please allow movie Baroness's hair to remain as black as her soul and her accent to stay as dead fucking sexy as it was when I was a wee impressionable Cartoon Slut. Do that and she will be the hottest movie character EVER. Your fanboy flock will thank you. I promise.

Outpost - 2008

2008-04-11T22:04:00.003-04:00

What It Is: Military horror featuring invisible Nazi super soldiers and Unified Field Theory!

Why I Watched It: Military horror is almost always worth my while.

What I Thought: I wasn't disappointed.

A team of mercenaries leads a scientist to an old Nazi bunker. They think he's looking for Nazi gold, he's really looking for the secret "device" at the bottom. They find a bunch of dead bodies that were apparently used as test subjects. Test subjects used to create invincible, immortal Nazi super soldiers that can turn invisible at will. Super soldiers that have been waiting at the outpost all this time. Waiting to for fresh victims.

Cue the dramatic music.

It sounds cheesy and weird. I assure you it is. But it's also incredibly good fun!

Highlights: The machine, the inclusion of unified field theory, mention of the U.S.S. Eldridge and the fascinating wikipedia search it inspired, and Invisibly Invincible Nazi Super Soldiers!!

Who Should See It: Military Horror fans.

How Soon: Anytime.

Rosencrantz And Guildenstern Are Dead - 1990

2008-04-08T03:56:00.012-04:00

What It Is: Tim Roth and Gary Oldman in the untold story of Hamlet's most minor characters.

Why I Watched It: Recommended by a trusted friend.

What I Thought: I'm fairly certain that this very funny movie would have been even better if I went in knowing something about Hamlet. I have no aversion to Shakespeare, but Hamlet is one of his works I never got around to seeing/reading.

Roth and Oldman are as fantastically excellent as you would expect. I believe this is only the second time I've seen Oldman in a comedy role and the guy's really fucking good.

The plot is lots of fun because it follows the existentialist misadventure's of Hamlet's minor characters and enlightens us on all their ridiculous activities between their appearances in the Hamlet story proper. The very best of which is a Question Match they hold on a tennis court involving a sort of debate following tennis scoring. It sounds weird, but it's amazingly awesome to watch.

Highlights: Roth and Oldman succeeding marvelously in comedy roles, an excellent performance by Richard Dreyfuss deserves mention as well, the Question Match, and the general level of philosophical absurdity throughout the whole picture.

Who Should See It: Fans of Shakespeare, Roth or Oldman. Fans of existential comedies like I Heart Huckabees and Being John Malkovich.

How Soon: Next time you want to do some thinking with your laughing.

Pumpkinhead - 1988

2008-04-08T03:56:00.008-04:00

What It Is: Weird slasher morality tale with Lance Henriksen.

Why I Watched It: The name kept coming up in horror circles and I thought it was time to see what all the fuss was.

What I Thought: Aside from the awesome performance I expected from Henriksen, Pumkinhead was quite good!

A bunch of rich city kids head to the country with their dirt bikes. When one accidentally runs down Henriksen's son, Lance calls up the ultimate force of revenge for a man slighted by another, Pumpkinhead. The demon is summoned as the facilitator of Henriksen's vengeance, but was his decision justified? The rest of the film involves a surprising number of moral questions regarding crime and punishment, slasher movie style.

Highlights: The monster, the summoning, slasher morality, and sacrifice.

Who Should See It: Horror and slasher fans.

How Soon: Anytime.

Cloverfield - 2008

2008-04-08T03:55:00.008-04:00

What It Is: A street view of a giant monster attacking New York.

Why I Watched It: It had an interesting concept and people just wouldn't shut the fuck up about it.

What I Thought: A fresh perspective on the "giant monster attacks New York" movie. The shaky camera wasn't quite as bad some viewers were saying, but parts of the film were still difficult to watch. All in all, the interesting viewpoint of the film's action made the unpleasant camera work sufferable.

Highlights: Spooky subway tunnels, helpful military, and lots of death.

Who Should See It: Giant Monster Movie fans and film buffs looking for a new spin on an old genre.

How Soon: Whenever.

Solarbabies - 1986

2008-04-08T03:55:00.005-04:00

What It Is: In a post-apocalyptic desert, only a group of rollerskating orphans can free to world's water supply from the tyrannical government.

Why I Watched It: Bad '80s sci-fi kids movies practically guarantee entertainment value!

What I Thought: Childish, corny, and weird, but very, very fun.

The kids find a sentient extra-terrestrial sphere and it grants them the power to stand up to the man and bring down a tyrant.

Tank Girl - 20 Somethings + Teens - Tank + Skates = Solarbabies!

Weird, but fun is all I really need to say.

Highlights: A surprising number of '80s B-list actors, terribly '80s racial stereotypes, and rollerskates with 4 wheels!!!

Who Should See It: For anyone that was a kid in the '80s, Solarbabies is great nostalgia.

How Soon: It's definitely not going anywhere.

Action Jackson - 1988

2008-04-02T00:17:00.003-04:00

What It Is: Carl Weathers starring in his very own '80s action flick.

Why I Watched It: I've heard the name mentioned in action fan circles and was in the mood for an '80s movie.

What I Thought: Action Jackson was really good! It was everything I love about Commando, Die Hard, and all the other action movies from the '80s that were high on explosions and low on plot.

Carl Weathers was simply amazing. Why this guy never became a leading man is beyond me. He had the physical presence (i.e. bulky manliness), the pretty face, the attitude, and the cocky dialogue to make the perfect action star. Complementing Weathers' performance, he was backed up by a who's who of classic supporting actors including not one, but TWO Predator costars!

Adding to these performances was a healthy dose of gunplay, ass kicking, and fireballs. Many, many, fireballs. Usually centered on some unfortunate bastard. What more does a classic action movie need? Nothing!

Highlights: TWO costars from Predator, fireballs, witty/cocky dialogue, random bodyguard saviors, a sweet Impala, and Fabio's ninja brother!

Who Should See It: Action fans and Carl Weathers fans.

How Soon: Whenever you need a good action flick like only the '80s could make!

Review Dump - March 2008

2008-03-28T13:52:00.003-04:00

I can't remember the last time I was this busy. My schedule is just full and it's been hard to find time for reviews. Without including all the boring details, here's the first ever Movie Slut Review Dump. Perhaps I'll give some or all of these titles a proper treatment someday down the road. Meanwhile, I hope you don't find the temporary change of format too offensive.

The Bank Job - 2008
What It Is: Dramatization of a real-life 1971 bank robbery.
What I Thought: A damn fine hiest film.

Hell Comes To Frogtown - 1987
What It Is: Post-apocalyptic cult film starring Rowdy Roddy.
What I Thought: Terrible enough to be pretty fun.

Brotherhood of the Wolf (Le Pacte Des Loups) - 2001
What It Is: Werewolves vs. Native American martial artists, in 18th century France.
What I Thought: Ridiculous...ly awesome!

Night Hawks - 1981
What It Is: Stalone the cop chases Rutger the arsonist.
What I Thought: Good cop movie with a good villain.

Princess Mononoke (Mononoke-Hime)- 1997
What It Is: Anime about nature vs. industry/humanity.
What I Thought: One of the best Anime films ever!

Hard Boiled (Lat Sau San Taam) - 1992
What It Is: John Woo's last film before Hollywood.
What I Thought: Ranking #5 for the highest on-screen body count, what the fuck do you think? One of the greatest action films ever made!

Falling Down - 1993
What It Is: The Warriors with a shirt and tie.
What I Thought: Funny and frightening in the best possible way!

The Quest - 1996
What It Is: Van Damme and Roger Moore in a pulpy adventure flick.
What I Thought: Enjoyable when not taken seriously.

Perfect Creature - 2006
What It Is: The vampire film The Breed should've been.
What I Thought: Weak plot, gorgeous movie.

Planet Earth - 2006
What It Is: Most expensive nature show ever.
What I Thought: Best nature documentary ever!

The Beastmaster - 1982
What It Is: Classic sword and sorcery flick.
What I Thought: A little cheesy, but very very fun.

Targets - 1968
What It Is: Aging Boris Karloff vs. a psycho sniper.
What I Thought: A darkly enjoyable classic.

Doomsday - 2008
What It Is: Another Underworld/Equilibrium/Resident...
What I Thought: Just as good/bad as the movies it rips off.

Sweet Sweetback's Baadasssss Song - 1971

2008-03-07T12:43:00.012-05:00

What It Is: Melvin Van Peebles' classic indy flick that basically started the blaxploitation genre.

Why I Watched It: It's a classic piece of film history.

What I Thought: Awe inspiring.

The film, considered by many to be the origin of black film making, begins with a simple dedication: "This film is dedicated to all the Brothers and Sisters who have had enough of the Man."

That's exactly what Sweet Sweetback is about. Sweetback is a brother in the wrong place at the wrong time. When the white cops begin hassling him, he decides he's just not going to take it anymore. In Melvin Van Peebles' own words, it's "about a brother getting the Man's foot out of his ass."

The film was a surprisingly huge box office success and it's revenue was due almost entirely to the black community alone. Peebles put it best, "Sweet Sweetback's Baadasssss Song made a zillion dollars before four white people had ever seen it." The film grossed $4,100,000 at the box office, encouraging a predominantly white Hollywood to begin paying a little more attention to black audiences.

When Van Peebles sat down to write the film, he came up with a list of things to consider. The first three were most important:

1. "No Cop Out" - He wanted to tell it like it is, without pulling punches.
2. "Must Look As Good As Anything Chuck Ever Did" - Chuck means whitey.
3. "Entertainment-Wise, a Mother Fucker" - I think he succeeded.

Watch the fucking movie! The movie is rough and raw, but also very real. Don't expect Hollywood gloss and happy endings, but take a little glance at true film history!

Dig This: "They bled your brother... they bled your sister... But they won't bleed me!"

Who Should See It: Blaxploitation fans, film history buffs, and anyone that wants to stick it to The Man!

How Soon: Grab the DVD when you're ready for something unusual.

Thriller - A Cruel Picture (Thriller - En Grym Film) - 1973

2008-03-07T12:43:00.010-05:00

What It Is: The classic Swedish revenge film that inspired much of Tarantino's Kill Bill.

Why I Watched It: See Kill Bill comment above.

What I Thought: Excellent!

Thriller is an awesome revenge flick full of violence, drugs, retribution, and... surprisingly... hardcore sex.

A young girl is literally picked up off the side of the road, drugged up, hooked on heroin and forced to work as a prostitute. Her pimp makes one huge mistake and gives her a free day each week and a little spending cash. She uses that day to pick up some useful skills like driving, shooting, and hand-to-hand combat.

Why does she wish to learn these things? Let's just say her pimp isn't going to be happy when he finds out and neither will her customers.

Highlights: Sex and Violence with none of that silly Rock and Roll to get in the way!

Who Should See It: Revenge fans and cult movie buffs!

How Soon: Grab the DVD whenever, it's a great film.

Shaft In Africa - 1973

2008-03-06T14:04:00.002-05:00

What It Is: The exciting but very different 3rd part of the Shaft trilogy.

Why I Watched It: I dug the first two. A lot.

What I Thought: Shaft in Africa wasn't the cream of the blaxploitation crop like the first two were, but it was still pretty good. Surprisingly, Shaft In Africa played more like a Bond film than a Shaft movie.

What's wrong with that? Not a damn thing, but if you're expecting a funky blaxploitation classic then you're looking in the wrong place.

I won't bother going into every Bond-like detail of the film. If you enjoy classic Bond films, then you'll dig Shaft In Africa. Plain and simple.

Dig This: A naked stick fight with its own choreographer, Bond villains, Bond gadgets, a Bond girl, and Shaft... in Africa!

Who Should See It: Shaft fans and Bond fans.

How Soon: Whenever

Free Jimmy (Slipp Jimmy Fri) - 2006

2008-02-27T00:30:00.001-05:00

What It Is: Norway's first computer animated feature length film that just happens to be about militant vegans, potheads, bikers, and one junky elephant.

Why I Watched It: Animated junky elephants!

What I Thought: The animation was a bit rough, but I don't feel it detracted from the enjoyment of the story at all. The movie would've been that much better with a little Pixar-style gloss added though.

Free Jimmy was expectedly amoral, refreshingly European, and surprisingly graphic. The movie covered drug addiction pretty well and then surprised me with scenes of CG sex and explosive decapitation. I should probably mention that Free Jimmy is NOT a children's movie.

Despite all of Jimmy's best intentions, the movie still felt lacking. I'm not sure if it was the unpolished animation, the English cast, or the downer ending, but Free Jimmy definitely needed something else. Maybe one of you brave movie sluts will check it out for yourselves and toss an opinion my way?

I'm not joking about the downer ending by the way. I'll go ahead and warn you now. Free Jimmy is like Requiem for a Dream with an animated elephant.

Highlights: Surprise CG sex, anti-American sentiment (an American refers to non-Americans as "ethnically challenged"!), and a Tarantino style crime plot in an animated feature!

Who Should See It: Um, I have no idea. The morbidly curious?

How Soon: ???

Cooley High - 1975

2008-02-24T14:07:00.010-05:00

What It Is: "the black American Graffiti" -Netflix.com

Why I Watched It: The movie was pointed to several times during my search for blaxploitation films.

What I Thought: Netflix's description was pretty apt. There's a lot to dig about Cooley High.

Like a typical high school movie, Cooley High is a snapshot of two friends over one hell of a weekend. Glynn Turman's character "Preach" was not only the main character, but his role really made the whole production stand out for me.

There's really not much I can say that "American Graffiti" doesn't cover. It's a good flick. It's dramatic, it rings true, and it's fun. Watch it!

Highlights: Preach being smooth with the ladies, Garrett Morris as "Mr. Mason", and the fake police badge.

Who Should See It: Blaxploitation fans and people that can always watch a good high school movie.

How Soon: It's definitely not going anywhere.

In Bruges - 2008

2008-02-24T14:07:00.008-05:00

What It Is: A dark comedy with Brendan Gleeson and Colin Farrell as hit men hiding out In Bruges after a job.

Why I Watched It: A very good friend with very good taste recommended it. That's enough for me!

What I Thought: Check the genre tags at the bottom of this post and you'll see just how much stuff was going on in the film. The thing is, all that shit actually worked together and the movie was really good!

First off, the film was just the kind of smart, quick, and funny that reminded me of all the good Guy Ritchie movies. Secondly, the movie just wouldn't have been possible with shoddy actors and everyone held up there end for the film. Brenden Gleeson and Ralph Fiennes were good as usual, but Colin Farrell deserves special mention.

Despite what a friend of mine thought, I thought Farrell played against type very well. He's usually Mr. SexyCoolGuy in roles that could be filled by whoever the trendiest Hollywooder happens to be at the time. For In Bruges, he was a funny, pitiable, and just about anything but cool. I was impressed. I didn't know the guy had it in him!

Highlights: Shocking violence mixed with razor wit, slapstick hilarity, and the "fantasy world" setting of Bruges.

Who Should See It: Fans of Farrell, Gleeson, or Fiennes as well as dark comedy lovers.

How Soon: Catch it whenever you can!

Coffy - 1973

2008-02-24T14:06:00.003-05:00

What It Is: Pam Grier's precursor to Foxy Brown.

Why I Watched It: I found out Foxy Brown was written as a sequel to Coffy so I had to check out the original.

What I Thought: I should have just stayed with Foxy Brown.

The plots of both movies are so similar that almost everything I said about Foxy Brown will apply to Coffy as well. Bottom Line: Coffy is a less sexy version of Foxy Brown with acting that is much, much worse.

Highlights: None that go above and beyond Foxy Brown.

Who Should See It: Only die hard Grier fans or blaxploitation completionists, everyone else should just watch Foxy Brown.

How Soon: The movie's not going to get any better. Might get worse though.

Salute to the Jugger (The Blood of Heroes) - 1989

2008-02-19T04:01:00.012-05:00

What It Is: Only a super cool, post-apocalyptic, Australian, sports movie starring Rutger Hauer, Delroy Lindo, and Vincent D'Onofrio!

Why I Watched It: My buddy told me the concept and I just had to see it.

What I Thought: Fucking incredible! Take all the goodness of your stereotypical sports movie (*see below) and combine it with the goodness of gladiatorial combat, Mad Max, and Rutger Hauer.

Civilization is ruined, the only sport is brutal and violent. It's known only as "The Game" and no one knows why it came to be played with a dog's skull.

It that's not enough to get you itching to see the film, you should start looking for your inner child because you must have dropped it somewhere. If the movie does sound interesting, then there's nothing else I can say that will get you more excited than you already are. Just watch the fucking movie!

I have one last question for anyone left doubting how cool this movie is: How many other films lead to the creation of their very own sport?

That's right kids, there have been real Juggers for over 10 years!

Highlights: The Game and the Juggers are awesome, Joan Chen is a kick ass "qwik", and the dog's skull is an amazing touch!

Who Should See It: Sports fans, action fans, and sci-fi fans everywhere.

How Soon: Soon! It rocks!

*You know the one. Where you watch the underdogs work their way up the ranks until they face off with the undefeated team, only to get their ass kicked for most of the game until they finally pull out a win with mere seconds on the clock. It's only the plot of every sports movie ever.

The Punisher - 1989

2008-02-19T04:01:00.007-05:00

What It Is: The first attempt to bring Marvel's Punisher character to the big screen.

Why I Watched It: Dolph Lundgren in a deliciously bad 80's action movie, why not watch it?

What I Thought: The entire movie is just a poorly acted excuse to put Lundgren on the screen, killing a whole bunch of bad guys. And that's okay by me.

Although Lundgren is his typically horrible self, Louis Gossett Jr. is a treat.

Highlights: The speech about justice from the Punisher's perspective, the mafia's kidnapped children, villainesses in tight latex, and scores of Yakuza ninjas!

Who Should See It: Lundgren's following, comic fanboys, and action movie buffs.

How Soon: This movie can only get better with age.

Foxy Brown - 1974

2008-02-19T03:19:00.004-05:00

What It Is: The much improved follow-up to Coffy.

Why I Watched It: You can't visit blaxploitation cinema without including Pam Grier's work.

What I Thought: It was good, baby, damn good. It was an excellent example of the blaxploitation genre and a kick ass revenge movie as well!

Some official business first: Foxy Brown was directed by Jack Hill, the same guy that directed Coffy. Foxy was written as the sequel to Coffy, but at the last minute the studio decided they didn't want it to be related. So for Foxy Brown, they just changed the name of the main chick and left out mention of the nursing occupation that would have connected the films. Officially, it's not a sequel. But we all know that it totally is.

Foxy Brown is just a normal woman, until her informant boyfriend is shot and she decides to get revenge. It goes okay at first, but she's out of her league. She'll have to get tough to take down the bad guys. Shouldn't be a problem...

Pam Grier oozes a fair amount of sexy through most of the film. The music is 70's silly and the action is surprisingly intense and visceral. From a typical detective story beginning, Foxy Brown quickly sets itself apart as a violent and gritty revenge flick. And that's okay with me!

Highlights: Arch villain "Miss Katherine" is unnervingly evil, the escape from "the farm" is classic, best use of a pickle jar ever, and Pam Grier is foxy!

Who Should See It: Blaxploitation fans, Pam Grier fans, and revenge movie fans.

How Soon: Anytime!

Oscar Picks for the 80th Academy Awards!

2008-02-12T16:30:00.000-05:00

I know what you're thinking. "The nominees have been out for a while, Mr. Movie Slut. Why haven't you told us who should win?" Well, the answer is simple. I wanted to get all the Best Picture nominees under my belt before I started talking about the Oscars.

Here are my comments and picks for the upcoming Oscars, but I'll avoid rambling about award categories that I know nothing about or simply have no interest in.

Best Actor - George Clooney was only average and Tommy Lee Jones has rarely been spectacular. I love me some Johnny Depp, but I think both Viggo Mortenson and Daniel Day-Lewis showed him up this year.

Best Guess - Daniel Day-Lewis for There Will Be Blood

Best Supporting Actor - Affleck was underwhelming in an underwhelming movie, Hoffman is just creepy, Wilkinson was pretty good, but Bardem was phenominal!

Best Guess - Javier Bardem for No Country For Old Men

Best Actress - Weird. The only eligible performance I saw was Ellen Page in Juno. I don't have much to say here but I can say that Page was pretty good, though much much better in Hard Candy.

Best Guess - Julie Christie will probably get it, but I'll still root for Page

Best Supporting Actress - Blanchett would probably win for Best Actress before she won Supporting, Ronan was cute but not incredible, Ryan was nothing special and neither was Swinton. Dee is the only black acting nominee this year and was pretty damn good in a mediocre movie.

Best Guess - Ruby Dee for American Gangster

Best Art Direction - There were a lot of pretty movies this year, but only one can win. Personally, I'm incredibly upset that Across The Universe didn't make this category.

Best Guess - Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber Of Fleet Street

Best Cinematography - People are raving about Atonement's cinematography, but I wasn't too impressed. There Will Be Blood and Golden Compass were pretty and I'm surprised American Gangster got a mention here. However, No Country did things with shot and frame that I had never seen before.

Best Guess - No Country For Old Men

Best Costume Design - I can't believe this is the only award Across The Universe was nominated for! It'll never win, but I'll root for it out of protest.

Best Directing - I missed Diving Bell and the others were good, but this one's probably going to the Cohen brothers.

Best Guess - No Country For Old Men

Best Foreign Language Film - I can't remember the last time Foreign Language nominees were announced and I hadn't seen a single one. Shame on me! I should correct this.

Best Original Song - I heard good things about Once and I'm appalled that Enchanted got nominated 3 fucking times. That's stupid. How good can Disney songs really be?

Best Guess - "Falling Slowly" from Once

Best Visual Effects - They were all good, but how can you beat giant robots... in disguise?

Best Guess - Transformers

Best Adapted Screenplay - I have a feeling this one will be really close between No Country and Blood.

Best Guess - No Country For Old Men

Best Original Screenplay - Lars has an interesting premise, but Juno will probably secure this one.

Best Guess - Juno

Best Picture - Here it is, the big one. Atonement was pretty good, but we've seen the story a million times. Speaking of old stories, Clayton was every courtroom drama combined. Juno was cute, but cute just isn't enough. Blood was creepy, spooky, and awesome but probably not accessible enough for the majority audience. No Country was beyond good.

Best Guess - No Country For Old Men

Why I love the Oscars

2008-02-12T16:02:00.000-05:00

I enjoy the Oscars, sort of a Movie Slut's Superbowl, but there are a lot of award categories I could really care less about. Best Picture on the other hand, is not only the one that matters to me, but the one that matters to the Academy too. It's not just actors, directors, editing, etc. It's all of that plus story and stories are what I'm all about.

I think movies are better viewed as whole, rather than the sum of their parts. I think that's what the Best Picture award does, or tries to do at least. Browsing DVDs, seeing that little "Academy Award for Best Picture" tag lets me know that even if the movie's not in one of my preferred genres, it'll probably still be pretty fucking good.

Every year, I make a point to see all the movies nominated for Best Picture since those are the five films of the whole year that the crotchety old Academy considers the best. Normally, I don't take a critic's opinion of a film too heavily, but the guys in the Academy have been making movies for a long fucking time.

We Own The Night - 2007

2008-02-12T15:28:00.000-05:00

What It Is: Mark Wahlberg and Joaquin Phoenix cop movie that is considerably better than its reviews and box office gross would indicate.

Why I Watched It: Wahlberg's dramatic roles have been amazing lately!

What I Thought: Wahlberg, Joaquin, Eva Mendes, and Robert Duvall don't leave much to be desired in a film. It was a good story about a club owner that's enjoying the nightlife until a powerful drug dealer puts a hit on his cop brother and father. The club owner is torn between revenge for his family and his own desire to live a safe life. When safe is no longer an option he's faced with the choice between becoming a cop or staying a victim.

Many of the directions and decisions in the movie were surprising and all the drama is punctuated with surprisingly intense action. I really don't understand why this movie didn't get a better reception. It's not as universally awesome as The Departed, but it is a really intense cop movie filled with excellent dramatic performances.

Highlights: The really gritty, graphic, and intense action sequences punctuating a good drama/revenge flick.

Who Should See It: Fans Wahlberg or Joaquin and action, cop, or revenge movie buffs.

How Soon: Grab the DVD whenever you wish!

Shaft's Big Score! - 1972

2008-02-12T03:08:00.000-05:00

What It Is: The bigger, flashier sequel to Shaft.

Why I Watched It: Blaxploitation month, baby!

What I Thought: In typical sequel fashion, Shaft's Big Score! had more explosions, more women, and more action than the first movie. Everything that was loveable from the first film, from Bumpy Jonas to Shaft smooth jiving the ladies, was back for more in the sequal.

A decent crook runs a small numbers racket out in Queens until his partner decides to blow him up so he can take over the business. Unfortunately for the partner, the crook was good friends with John Shaft.

Everything I said about Shaft easily holds true for the sequel, save for one thing. Isaac Hayes didn't do the music for Shaft's Big Score! so it wasn't near as good as the soundtrack for its predecessor. Despite this one drawback, the soundtrack isn't bad and the movie itself is very watchable.

Dig This: Richard Roundtree and Moses Gunn return for the sequel and there are way more guns, naked women, explosions, and helicopters than the first one!

Who Should See It: Fans of the first one will definitely dig the sequel.

How Soon: Anytime.

Gone Baby Gone - 2007

2008-02-12T01:17:00.000-05:00

What It Is: A kidnapping mystery set in Boston, directed by *cough* Ben Affleck.

Why I Watched It: A reliable source told me it was surprisingly good.

What I Thought: Reliability goes a long way, it was good!

A little girl is kidnapped. A PI is hired to find her. He ends up digging into layer upon layer of cover up and conspiracy that twists the plot at least 3 different times. Awesome!

I really can't say enough about the plot twists and unfolding mystery of the story. It was one of the most interesting, involved, and surprising mysteries I've seen in a long time. So many modern films focus so heavily on a big reveal at the end, that they forget to make the most of the rest of the film. Gone Baby Gone doesn't have that problem. Layers upon layers my friend.

Casey Affleck is amazing as the private detective put on the case of a missing girl. I was very pleased to see that his partner/girlfriend in the film is the too-awesome-for-words Michelle Monaghan (from Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang)! Aside from these two badass leads, Gone Baby Gone features some incredible supporting performances by Ed Harris, Titus Welliver, and the always good Morgan Freeman, and Amy Ryan who earned herself a Best Supporting Actress nomination for the part. If you haven't gotten the picture, the acting in the movie is well above par.

The last thing that needs addressed is the moral questions presented in Gone Baby Gone. Many movies give you an interesting moral dilemma to discuss with your friends afterward. At the end of Seven, we're left wondering if what Pitt's character did to Spacey was right, wrong or somewhere in between. Gone Baby Gone gives us a hell of a moral quandary about halfway through the film, inviting you to decide whether the protagonist did the right thing. Then it compounds the issue further, blurring the black and white choices to increase the grey area. Then later, another revelation increases the grey area even more. By the end of the film, the moral issue is so grey there simply is no right or wrong. At that point, Gone Baby Gone invites you to ponder what the "right" decision is, when there is no "right" decision.

When the movie ended, it left me in a deeper state of reflection and general fucked-up-ness than even Requiem For A Dream had. That's fucking powerful!

Highlights: Casey Affleck, Michelle Monaghan, layers of mystery and one giant of a moral dilemma!

Who Should See It: Mystery fans and people that enjoy having a LOT to talk about after a film.

How Soon: Whenever you're ready for one of the best films of 2007!

Shaft - 1971

2008-02-09T18:47:00.001-05:00

What It Is: One of the two movies that started it all. A quintessential blaxploitation film.

Why I Watched It: It's Black History Month, baby. You dig?

What I Thought: For an almost 40-year-old movie, Shaft has just enough action, comedy, and mystery to compete with any modern day tale about a private dick.

Things are gettin' heavy in Harlem when a bunch of mob suits move in from out of town. The cops aren't down with the jive, so they need a brotha with an ear to the streets. They need a "private dick that's a sex machine to all the chicks."

With a crime boss named "Bumpy" and a male lead bedding more chicks than James Bond, what more could you want from a blaxploitation film? An award winning theme song from Isaac (fucking) Hayes, that's what! And when I say award winning, I'm talking an Oscar for Best Music: Song. That's right kids, Isaac Hayes won an Academy Award for being "a bad mother... Shut your mouth!"

In some ways, the 70's were pretty fucking cool...

Dig This: Simply AMAZING soundtrack, Richard Roundtree's performance as John Shaft is basically the mold for every badass anti-hero type since, and 'groovy boobs' with the line "close it yourself, shitty!"

Who Should See It: Fans of detective stories, cop movies, blaxploitation films, and groovy... soundtracks!

How Soon: Grab the DVD whenever you need to dig a cool cat that don't take jive from nobody!

Rambo - 2008

2008-02-06T16:18:00.001-05:00

What It Is: A Rambo to end all Rambos, written and directed by Sly himself.

Why I Watched It: I saw the trailer and turned to a friend, "It looks like he spends the whole movie killing a shit load of people. I think I'll watch that!"

What I Thought: Holy fuck!

Before I bore you with my gushing, why not check out this handy reference chart for all your vital Rambo statistics?

Now that you're back, all I have to say is 236 and 2.59! This is an action movie in the tradition of all those glorious '80s action fests. The good guys kill more people than the bad guys, the good guys never question whether a black hat deserves to be slain, and the deaths are usually as visceral and visually stunning as possible. Did I mention that life is pretty fucking cheap in the movie?

Aside from all of the awesome action moments in Rambo, and mark my words this one will go down in the action hall of fame, there are two other things worth mentioning. The first is that the film doesn't waste time with any of the typical moral crap that faces today's action heroes. Should you kill the bad guy or capture him? If you kill him aren't you just as bad as he is? Rambo is told several times in the movie that killing is wrong and his rebuttal basically boils down to "but I'm so good at it." The other super nifty thing about the film is the ending. All I'll say is that Rambo finally gets what he wanted in the first movie. The ending makes Rambo dovetail nicely with First Blood and I think the two of them make a pretty awesome pair, regardless of parts 2 and 3.

Highlights: Rambo could kick a certain blonde elf's ass in an archery contest, the mercs played off Rambo's character nicely, the missionaries were proved wrong, 236 and 2.59!

Oh, I almost forgot. This poor bastard's fate...

is too awesome for words!

Who Should See It: Action fans, Rambo fans, and anyone that has a guess regarding what happens to that guy!

How Soon: Definitely the best action movie out there now, see it when you need to cope with some anger issues!

Live and Let Die - 1973

2008-02-05T20:24:00.000-05:00

What It Is: Blaxploitation... James Bond style!

Why I Watched It: This one actually snuck up on me. It was my favorite Bond as a kid, but I hadn't seen it for at least 10 years. As it turns out, it's a pretty good Bond movie... and a fantastic blaxploitation film. I had no idea!

What I Thought: First off, aside from 2 characters, every black person in the film is evil. How fucking horrible is that?! I couldn't stop cracking up. Everyone from the bartender to the cab driver was part of the same super criminal organization and they were all bad. It was hilarious. You could never do that today!

Live And Let Die is the only Bond movie to date to feature supernatural themes like voodoo, tarot, and sacrifice. No wonder why I loved it when I was a kid! It's the first Roger Moore Bond as well as the first to feature a black Bond girl. There's so much to love about this movie that I really can't do it justice here.

Aside from the usual Bond tropes, Live And Let Die follows many of the themes from Blaxploitation cinema as well. The movie's set in Harlem, "Nawlens", and the Caribbean. Words like "honky" and "pimpmobile" are tossed around freely. Instead of the usual Bond villain's plot of world domination, Dr. Kananga just wants to sell a shit load of heroin. Is that so wrong?

Dig This: Classic henchmen "Whisper" and "Tee Hee", a restaurant chain called "Fillet of Soul", pimpmobiles, a gorgeous Jane Seymour early in her career, Baron Samedi, tarot, live crocodile stunts, Voodoo, and the best Bond song ever!

Who Should See It: Bond fans, blaxploitation fans, and lovers of supernatural action movies!

How Soon: Grab it on DVD anytime you're ready for an awesome Bond film.

Live and Let Die - 2-Disc Ultimate Edition

Blacula - 1972

2008-02-05T20:17:00.000-05:00

What It Is: A surprisingly watchable blaxploitation take on classic vampire films!

Why I Watched It: I dig vampires, I dig the delightful 'wrongness' that is exploitation cinema. What's not to love about a movie that combines both?

What I Thought: It was actually pretty good!

NY Diva was dead on when she said, "it combines campy blaxploitation movies with campy horror movies" and let me tell you friends, these are two great tastes that taste great together.

The plot made more sense than a lot of today's horror films, the acting was way better than I'd hoped, and the effects (from bullets to bites to burning vampires) were good too! That covers all the vampire movie parts of the flick, but what about it's exploitation side?

I've seen a lot of grindhouse and exploitation movies, but let me tell ya' turkeys, Blacula just jumped to the top of the list! The fro's are big, the clothes are pimp, and the slang epithets are common enough to make this Generation Y movie slut all kinds of politically uncomfortable. Words like "nigger" and "faggot" were thrown around by black actors as well as white, without a single one being used negatively. The fact that they were simply labels was the most unnerving part!

Don't let a bit of outdated language turn you away though, Blacula is good vampire flick and an above par blaxploitation film.

Dig This!: Awesome dialogue, decent plot, fantastic costumes, a character named "Skillet", good action, and actual flames on actual people!

Who Should See It: Blaxploitation fans and vampire fans everywhere.

How Soon: Grab the DVD whenever you want!

Theme Month - February 2008!

2008-02-01T22:09:00.000-05:00

A very good friend over at NY Diva reminded me that February is Black History Month and preceeded to offer an excellent idea.

"Why not do a blaxploitation theme for February and watch all the classics?"

I responded with a healthy "Fuck yeah!" and preceeded to scour Netflix for all the best blaxploitation classics from the '70s. I'm sure I'll throw in the usual number of new releases as well, but all my Netflicking for Feb. will be nothin' but soul. You're in for a treat kids.

After much deliberation, here's the final list of 10 films I picked for Blaxploitation Month.

Blackula, Shaft, Shaft's Big Score!, Coffy, Foxy Brown, Sweet Sweetback's Baadasssss Song, Dolemite, Superfly, Cooley High, and The Mack.

Check back soon!

-Movie Slut

There Will Be Blood - 2007

2008-01-26T17:19:00.000-05:00

What It Is: A period piece about an oil tycoon's descent into madness.

Why I Watched It: After Gangs of New York, I'll watch Daniel Day-Lewis in anything!

What I Thought: Amazing!

I thought the movie was supposed to be a biopic about an old dude that was really into oil. I was wrong.

There Will Be Blood starts with some pretty landscape shots combined with music that can only be described as harrowing. It was an odd choice and the first act of the film felt like it was scored wrong. About halfway through though, once the story had time to unfold a bit, I turned to my friend and said "I get the feeling the movie's going to change to fit this crazy music." I was right.

Right off the bat, the movie makes two promises. The first is made by the film's title. The second promise comes from it's score, some of the eeriest fucking music I've ever heard. On both of these promises, it delivers beautifully.

Watch this movie. Watch a desperate man transition into an ambitious man and then a truly evil man. Watch an award-worthy performance by Daniel Day-Lewis. And through it all, keep reminding yourself... There Will Be Blood.

Highlights: Day-Lewis and a ridiculously good Paul Dano, the super unsettling background music, and one man's roller coaster ride to hubris!

Who Should See It: People that like good stories, good performances, and good movies in general.

How Soon: As soon as you're ready for it!

Shrooms - 2007

2008-01-25T13:18:00.000-05:00

What It Is: A few American backpackers meet an Irish friend for a nice shroom trip in the woods... and are then stalked by a serial killer.

Why I Watched It: It's a slasher movie about shrooms!

What I Thought: It wasn't a very good horror movie about shrooms.

The film follows the horribly standardized slasher movie plot seen in House of 1000 Corpses, Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Touristas, etc. The violence in Shrooms wasn't at all groundbreaking so it had very little to offer aside from the novel concept of having the poor victims be tripping during the whole thing.

The fact that all the survivors were high meant that many strange visuals and scares could be easily justified since the sights didn't actually have to be real at all! It was an interesting twist, but not enough to redeem the movie from mediocrity.

Speaking of twists, there's a decent reveal at the end but again, it just wasn't enough.

Highlights: The reveal and an awesome setting in the mist woods of Ireland.

Who Should See It: I don't know. Bored horror buffs I suppose.

How Soon: No hurry.

The Warriors - 1979

2008-01-18T21:59:00.000-05:00

What It Is: A great 70's flick about a group of wayward soldiers that must fight their way home, over 100 miles of turf controlled by every other gang in the city.

Why I Watched It: It was a favorite when I was I kid and a friend raved about the new Director's Cut version.

What I Thought: The Director's Cut makes a good movie simply fucking incredible!

The Warriors is a colorful, sometimes moving, sometimes cheesy story of violence, mayhem, revenge, adventure, betrayal, blah, blah, blah. The costumes are crazy over-the-top, but that's all part of the fun. The dialogue is stiff but it lends itself to the surrealism of the whole production. The 70's soundtrack is awesome! Last but not least... the mostly deserted streets of 70's New York provide a surreal backdrop for the whole show.

The story is an adaptation of the Greek tale Anabasis by Xenophon. I didn't know this when I was a kid, but I always felt there was a certain epic quality to the film that made it so moving and enjoyable. The new DVD demonstrates this connection nicely.

Highlights: The cast, the story, the setting, the costumes, and the dialogue come together famously, but one line from a very coked up Rogue is simply unforgettable!

Who Should See It: Action fans and anyone that enjoys a good epic myth.

How Soon: As soon as possible!

The Warriors (The Ultimate Director's Cut)

Assault on Precinct 13 - 1976

2008-01-18T21:58:00.002-05:00

What It Is: John Carpenter's second film and a classic action/horror movie.

Why I Watched It: Cause it is a flagship title in one of my favorite sub-genres, siege movies.

What I Thought: This movie holds up surprisingly well for being 30 years old. It's just as chilling, unsettling, spooky, and classic as it was originally.

Since precinct 13 is moving to a new building, only a skeleton crew is left around for the place's last night. An unexpected guest arrives and the crew soon discovers he's being hounded by the toughest street gang in L.A. The good guys have to team up with the bad or no one will make it out alive.

It's got all the best action and themes from Night of the Living Dead 'cept we leave out the zombies and substitute intelligent, cooperative, gang bangers with automatic weapons!

Highlights: Napoleon, a non-comical strong black lead, and the first death of the film proving the movie is going to take an unexpected route.

Who Should See It: Carpenter fans, action fans, and horror fans!

How Soon: Right now!

Assault on Precinct 13 (Special Edition)

One Missed Call - 2007

2008-01-18T21:58:00.001-05:00

What It Is: A mediocre American remake of a (probably much better) Japanese thriller.

Why I Watched It: I wanted to see a movie with a friend and there wasn't much else to see that week.

What I Thought: Blah.

Unoriginal and poorly told ghost story that felt way too much like The Ring. Apparently, I'm not the first to think so either. The almighty Wikipedia says, "Although the film is a remake of Chakushin Ari, the film has been strongly criticised of borrowing plot elements and being similar to The Grudge, The Ring and Pulse." It's worth mentioning that this particular Wikipedia quote is backed by six citations.

Highlights: I'm starting to dig Edward Burns.

Who Should See It: Seriously, the film features nothing new. Skip it.

How Soon: SKIP IT

The Bow (Hwal) - 2005

2008-01-08T23:29:00.000-05:00

What It Is: A very strange yet beautiful coming-of-age story.

Why I Watched It: Every once in a while, a movie arrives from Netflix and I don't have the slightest idea why I queued it.

What I Thought: Although the story was masterfully told, I can't shake the feeling that some important element was missing from the film.

The movie is very simple. A fishing boat captain uses his bow to scare passengers away from his young female ward. The old man isn't entirely wholesome of course, he plans on marrying her when she turns 17. The young girl has no problem with this until a handsome boy books a fishing trip and she falls for him. Does the old man stick with his plan or let the young girl live her own life? The answer may surprise you.

Like a Zen koan, the film's simplicity is its beauty. The Bow is Korean minimalist storytelling at its finest. The entire movie takes place on the boat. The cast consists of only 3 notable characters with only another 10 or so for color. Best of all though, the young girl and the old man never speak. Their entire emotional story is told through expression, action, and music. The Bow doesn't bog down with unnecessary dialogue because sometimes a story is simply more effective without out.

The Bow is a powerful poem of a film the culminates with an extremely bizarre, unexpected, yet equally beautiful ending. The Bow was really good, but I can't help but think that a less bizarre ending would have topped of the story better.

Highlights: Silent yet powerful performances from the leads, beautiful backdrops, an intriguing divination ritual, and an ending rife with conversation fodder.

Who Should See It: Artsy types, romantics, and fans of bizarre Asian cinema.

How Soon: No rush.

Death Sentence - 2007

2008-01-08T16:19:00.000-05:00

What It Is: Kevin Bacon's vigilante justice movie.

Why I Watched It: I dig revenge movies and the grapevine had lots of good things to say about the film.

What I Thought: It was a pretty good revenge flick. Kevin Bacon has never been one to draw me to a film, but he's never been a reason to avoid one either. He was convincing throughout his progression from family man, to victim, to angel of death.

The story follows Kevin Bacon as he watches his son die at the hands of a street gang, then hunt his son's killer, then fail to protect his family when the street gang seeks vengeance of its own, and finally transform into a determined killer. The fact that Bacon practically transforms into the very thing he hates is a strong message throughout the film. Parallels are often drawn between Bacon and the gang's leader. This fact is one of Death Sentence's best qualities.

They hurt someone you love, so you hurt someone they love. Are you no better than them? Are you just like them? These a big theme in the film and it's enough to set the movie well apart from other revenge flicks.

Highlights: A surprise cameo from John Goodman, an amazing quote regarding "the gift of freedom" and very realistic depictions of violence that drive home the realism and prevent Death Sentence from becoming an action movie.

Who Should See It: Revenge fans and Bacon fans.

How Soon: It would make a damn fine rental and allow for some good conversations afterward.

Apocalypto - 2006

2008-01-08T02:38:00.000-05:00

What It Is: Crazy Mel Gibson's chase tale set during the downfall of Mayan civilization.

Why I Watched It: I heard surprisingly good things about it from a handful of trusted sources.

What I Thought: The sources were right, it was surprisingly good! The movie follows one man's experience through the beginning of the end for Maya. Don't be thrown off by Gibson's name or the fact that it's subtitled. Apocalypto has a lot more to do with The Fugitive, Most Dangerous Game, or Running Man than it does with Passion of the Christ.

Apocalypto is an action movie and a good one at that. The Mayan language used throughout the film doesn't feel as historical as it feels primal. The movie's about survival, death, revenge, etc.

I also particularly like the film's theme of conquering one's own fear. It's a powerful message that's made considerably more powerful by it's delivery.

Highlights: Flint Sky's last words, "releasing" the prisoners, Jaguar Paw's rebirth as a hero, and the film's constant adrenaline rush!

Who Should See It: Action fans, Joseph Campbell fans, and anyone interested in one man's best guess regarding Mayan culture.

How Soon: Rent it anytime, you won't be sorry!

The Glamorous Life of Sachiko Hanai (Hatsujô Kateikyôshi: Sensei no Aijiru) - 2003

2008-01-03T12:55:00.000-05:00

What It Is: One of the strangest movies I have ever seen. And that says a lot!

Why I Watched It: The plot synopsis mentioned "slut turned brainiac . . . walked off with George W. Bush's finger . . . in this surreal sexploitation romp." Why would I not watch it?

What I Thought: One of the most frustrating things about being a "movie guy" is that the movies I most want to tell people about are usually the hardest to explain. C'est la vie!

Sachiko Hanai is a cult hit from the Japanese softcore genre known as "pink film." First there's a hooker that witnesses a black market deal and gets a bullet in the head for her trouble. Then the hooker wakes up a genius and wanders off with the black market object being sold. She then has sex with a lot of people, discovers the object is actually the cloned finger of President Bush, she has sex with the finger, and then decides to use it to remote trigger the world's nuclear devices.

There you go. What more could you possibly want to know about such a classy film? *evil grin*

Highlights: The first "money shot" has more "money" than I have ever seen, the film's depiction of W is simply priceless, a rape scene involves a cloned finger with a mind and mobility of it's own, and G.I. Joe figures are used to represent the American military.

Who Should See It: Only fans of the truly bizarre.

How Soon: Gather some friends that appreciate odd cinema and enjoy 90 minutes of the disturbing, hilarious, and sometimes arousing life of Sachiko Hanai.

Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street - 2007

2007-12-21T04:01:00.000-05:00

What It Is: Film version of a twisted Broadway musical about a 19th-century, revenge fueled, serial killing barber that bakes his victims into meat pies and serves them back to the public.

Why I Watched It: In the words of one of my very favorite actors, and the star of this cinematic gem, "How many chances do you get at a musical about a serial killer?"

What I Thought: Amazing! Incredibly! Expletive! After watching a high school production of Guys and Dolls, then seeing Moulin Rouge and the recent Chicago and now Sweeney Todd, I will officially go on record to profess my love for musicals. Of course, this should really be interpreted as a love for "good" musicals and Sweeney Todd was the best I've seen to date!

Surprisingly though, Sweeney Todd was more than a good musical. It was a good horror film, it was a fantastic revenge story and incredibly suspenseful. Sweeney Todd is fucking brilliant!

Highlights: Laughing in the face of the macabre, buckets of blood, an amazing Johnny Depp, a slew of cameos, awesome songs, a great revenge tale, and one hell of a villain!

Who Should See It: Depp's legion of fans and anyone that's as intrigued by the slasher/musical combination as I was. Seriously, if you're the slightest bit curious, you'll love the movie!

How Soon: An amazing film, just in time for the holidays! Use it as an escape when the big reunited family events start to wear on your patience. Nothin' says relief like tons of laughs and tons of blood.

I Am Legend - 2007

2007-12-20T18:05:00.000-05:00

What It Is: Post-apocalyptic horror adaptation of the 50's novel.

Why I Watched It: Post-apocalyptic vampire movie!

What I Thought: It was good. I was stupid.

I knew the storyline from the book and was silly enough to expect the movie to cover the same ground. I was even silly enough to begin looking forward to it. I should have known.

The Movie Sluts #1 Rule: Don't expect anything from a film and you will rarely be disappointed.

Legend was a good horror flick, lots of jumpy scares and some pretty disturbing images. My friend went in with no expectations (good boy that one) and was very pleased with the whole production. The landscapes and sets were gorgeous by the way.

Highlights: Post-apocalyptic New York, truly scary vampire beasties, and a believably crazy Will Smith!

Who Should See It: Sci-fi fans, horror fans, and Will Smith's following.

How Soon: Shouldn't lose much on DVD.

Balls of Fury - 2007

2007-12-18T14:46:00.000-05:00

What It Is: A comedy about a secretive underground ping-pong circuit.

Why I Watched It: Christopher Walken.

What I Thought: Balls of Fury was much more fun than I expected!

Humor me enough to allow my math/logic mind yet another equation to represent this film...

Enter the Dragon - martial arts + ping-pong = Balls of Fury

Really. The film follows the same plot as Enter the Dragon, but uses a ping-pong tournament instead of a martial arts championship. Surprisingly, it works!

Highlights: Maggie Q is quite the cutie, Dan Fogler was a good lead, Jason Scott Lee was hilarious, the cameos were fun, and Christopher Walken was awesome!

Who Should See It: Fans of comedy sport movies (Dodgeball), Christopher Walken fans, and people that won't mind a parody of Enter the Dragon.

How Soon: When you need a good laugh.

No Country for Old Men - 2007

2007-12-13T12:20:00.000-05:00

What It Is: An intense Coen brothers (Fargo, Miller's Crossing...) drama based on the novel by the same name.

Why I Watched It: It was enough that it was a Coen brothers film, but I was also curious about the now infamous "ending" that has audiences in a twist.

What I Thought: No Country was good, really good.

The movie follows a guy that happens upon a drug deal gone wrong and decides to run off with the cash he finds. Interested parties send a psycho after him and a haggard old cop tries to protect him. This synopsis, does no justice to the film whatsoever. Those were the images on the screen, but they were definitely not what the movie is about.

I think No Country for Old Men was really about violence, death, crime, and murder and how frequently futile it can be to understand them. The movie shows a lot of violence, but often leaves it unexplained. The movie's villain often kills for unknown reasons, or maybe no reason at all. You never see what went wrong at the drug deal, but that's not what the movie's about.

The movie opens with some voice over from Tommy Lee Jones' sheriff character talking about how criminal motive is often unknowable. No Country conveys that exact same feeling to the audience by leaving much of the "plot" unexplained. The movie ends with almost no resolution whatsoever, but real life doesn't always wrap things in a bow.

Aside from all the story stuff, the whole production was executed masterfully. Josh Brolin was very enjoyable as the "protagonist that isn't really", Tommy Lee Jones was a fantastic grizzled old sheriff. But Javier Bardem simply stole the show. He was the hired killer trying to track down the money and was one of the best, creepiest, most disturbing villains I have ever seen on film. Amazing.

Highlights: Inexplicable violence, pulse pounding gunfights, quotable dialogue, and Javier Bardem's entry into the cinema villains hall of fame!

Who Should See It: Coen brothers fans, independent movie buffs, and anybody that wants to ponder why bad guys do what they do.

How Soon: If you're looking for a meaningful film, there's not much else at the theater now. But I think the message will still be there on DVD.

His Dark Materials: The Golden Compass - 2007

2007-12-12T13:18:00.000-05:00

What It Is: One of this year's slew of big budget fantasy films based on the book.

Why I Watched It: Battling polar bears!

What I Thought: The film was pretty enjoyable, but definitely not what I expected. I knew nothing of the story going in, so The Golden Compass was a pretty big surprise. It wasn't better or worse than I expected, just very, very different.

1. Daniel Craig should not have been listed in the top billing. He might have had a full five minutes of screen time. I was really looking forward to seeing him again, but it looks like I'll have to wait till the sequel.

2. The movie wasn't as much about epic fantasy combat (what they're all really about) as it was about rescuing kidnapped children from a secret lab. I kept being reminded of The 5000 Fingers of Dr. T and that was very, very unexpected.

3. The protagonist was compulsive liar. Seriously. The one girl to receive the magic truth-finding device was the one girl that couldn't tell the truth about anything. Weird.

The list goes on, but I think those are the points that stick out the most. So all in all, it was a weird movie, but pretty watchable.

Highlights: The shapeshifting animal companion was pretty cool, Sam [fucking!] Elliot, and a kick ass polar bear vs polar bear duel to the death!

Who Should See It: Fantasy fans and people that enjoy some good CGI.

How Soon: You could probably wait for DVD.

American Gangster - 2007

2007-12-05T12:33:00.000-05:00

What It Is: Ridley Scott's Godfather-esque gangster flick with Denzel Washington and Russel Crowe.

Why I Watched It: Ridley Scott, Denzel Washington, and Russel Crowe.

What I Thought: So, the movie was good... but it wasn't great. From an educational perspective, the film was awesome since I knew nothing of gangster Frank Lucas before going in. From an entertainment perspective, the movie fell flat.

What American Gangster really lacked was flow. The build and release of tension is a necessary element of drama and without drama you just have a bunch of information on screen. American Gangster didn't feel like a story at all, but it was a damn good documentary!

Highlights: Frank's unexpected bursts of violence, Carla Gugino!, and remembering lessons in... "how to be a gentleman."

Who Should See It: Crowe or Denzel fans and true crime buffs.

How Soon: Wait for DVD.

Hot Rod - 2007

2007-12-01T15:04:00.000-05:00

What It Is: An SNL movie about a kid's attempt to live up to his stuntman father's legacy.

Why I Watched It: I hoped to find a good joke or two.

What I Thought: I found more than two jokes, but not many more. I haven't seen a "good" SNL movie since Superstar. Sure, they all have a few good jokes, but they all ultimately leave me wanting.

Andy Samberg is decent as Rod, but the cute Isla Fisher (The Lookout) and the immeasurably awesome Ian McShane (Deadwood) did all the real entertaining. The acting in Hot Rod is barely passable, but the plot itself was just preposterous enough to hold my attention. That, and spending the entire film trying to determine where I'd seen Isla Fisher before.

On the other hand, Ian McShane was amazing! In a complete contrast of his villainous role in Deadwood as Al Swearengen, McShane played Rod's tough love stepfather. Every scene with him was hilarious! This guy really needs to take more comedy parts!

Highlights: All the failed stunts, Isla Fisher, and a very funny McShane!

Who Should See It: Fans of McShane's and the kind of viewers that enjoy the (mostly) brainless comedy you get with SNL.

How Soon: Whenever.

The Ten - 2007

2007-12-01T13:25:00.000-05:00

What It Is: A comedy featuring many alums from The State in ten (commandment-inspired) stories.

Why I Watched It: Cause it was by the crew from The State.

What I Thought: It was weird, really weird, but it was pretty fucking funny.

The film's format was rather novel: ten short stories (almost like little comedy skits), each one based around one of the ten commandments, with subsequent stories bringing back previous characters and plot lines.

I don't know what else to say, it was just as oddly funny as The State and Wet Hot American Summer (the other movie they did).

Highlights: Jesus, living in a black void, being stuck in the ground, prison bitches and . . . va-hee-na!

Who Should See It: Anybody that loves to laugh, epsecially when the joke isn't exactly funny but laughing seems like the only applicable response.

How Soon: Vvvva-hee-na...

Mini-Slut Reviews!

2007-11-28T15:22:00.000-05:00

Once in a great while, a movie comes along that I simply have no desire to see. Even a Movie Slut has to draw the line somewhere!

When that happens, I'll extend the offer to someone else. I'm sure there are plenty of people out there that are more than happy to 'enjoy' a film that I couldn't justify taking the time for.

Those people... are the Mini-Sluts!

I'm sure you'll benefit from what they have to say, just keep in mind that their opinions are not my own.

Enchanted - 2007

2007-11-27T20:32:00.000-05:00

*I had no desire to see this movie, so a Mini-Slut stepped in for me...*

What It Is: A Disney-mocks-Disney, cutesy children’s movie.

Why I Watched It: Because I can’t resist children’s movies, and there is a small romantic part of me that has yet to die.

What I Thought: Well, I giggled and as the movie slut will tell you, that’s as good a recommendation as any coming from me.

Enchanted is about a fairy tale princess-to-be, Giselle, who meets and falls in love with Prince Edward in the opening of the movie. The evil stepmother, Queen Narissa, does not want to lose her throne when the prince marries, so she pushes Giselle down a well and she pops out of a manhole in Manhattan. Throughout the movie, the other characters end up popping out of the same manhole and it becomes sort of a running joke. Anyway, she’s in NYC and we’re shown, through various interactions with locals, how different it is from the fairy tale, happily ever after sort of world. Giselle is taken in by Robert and his daughter Morgan and they all begin to change each others’ lives.

Disney throws in song and dance numbers to bring a little magic to the city and to Robert’s life. I think the end result was supposed to show us that even though it’s a cold world we live in, there can still be a little love, romance, and magic if we all just believe. Or something.

Enchanted provided a nice 107 minute escape from both reality and my mother’s house the day after Thanksgiving. Although, it did have the effect of making me want true love’s kiss. Where’s MY prince charming?

Highlights: the adorable exchange between Giselle and Morgan in the hair salon, any scene with Pip the chipmunk, and for Grey’s Anatomy fans there’s that McDreamy fellow.

Who Should See It: Kids, those with kids, or those who like to watch movies while surrounded by a theatre full of them (what could possibly beat the giggling of small children?).

How Soon: If you’re going to see it, do it while it’s still in theatres. It would be less entertaining without childish giggles in the background (or rent it and invite me over, I’ll giggle for you).

*This Mini-Slut Review come from NY Diva, Disney's target audience.*

Scenes of a Sexual Nature - 2006

2007-11-27T03:11:00.001-05:00

What It Is: A dramedy about sex, love, and relationships.

Why I Watched It: You mean besides my man-love for Ewan McGregor? You have to admit the film has a catchy title.

What I Thought: While catchy titles don't make good movies, sometimes good movies do have catchy titles.

The film involves a half dozen couples all struggling with relationships in their own way and it's shot entirely on location at Hampstead Heath (a sort of Central Park in London). The movie has a really good ensemble cast with Ewan McGregor and Adrian Lester among the most notable and covers relationship related issues from attraction to divorce.

Some of the issues featured were incredibly fascinating. McGregor played a gay man attempting to talk his lover into adoption and Adrian Lester played a recent divorcee that still got along famously with his ex-wife. The best part of the film however, was definitely the old couple. A lone elderly man asks to share a bench with an older female and it soon becomes apparent that, over 50 years ago, they were once lovers! It was really quite adorable!

Highlights: McGregor as a gay man, Adrian Lester's character was just as lovable as Mickey (Hustle), but the older couple was just too cute for words.

Who Should See It: Hopeful romantics, as well as fans of Ewan McGregor or Adrian Lester.

How Soon: I bet it'd make a great movie for date night!

Roger Dodger - 2002

2007-11-27T03:05:00.000-05:00

What It Is: A dark comedy about a womanizing uncle and his nice guy nephew learning important lessons from each other.

Why I Watched It: Dark comedies are yummy and I dig films with protagonists that ooze confidence and status.

What I Thought: It's a decent little movie. Roger spends the flick giving seduction advice to his nephew while the kid reminds Roger about the importance of being a good person.

Campbell Scott plays an excellent high powered, big city asshole, admirable and contemptible all at once. Jesse Eisenburg was entertaining as the nephew as well, pitiable and respectable simultaneously.

While this was a standard "character receives important life lessons and becomes a better person" type movie, Roger Dodger is interesting for two key reasons. The particular lessons involved mostly relate to woman and dating, things every guy should know, and the women used to demonstrate those lessons are played by an interesting mix of actresses.

Roger Dodger features such gorgeous woman as Isabella Rosselini (Blue Velvet), Elizabeth Berkley (Saved By The Bell), Jennifer Beals (Flashdance), and Morena Baccarin (Firefly). Almost every actress with lines was someone important, someone capable of keeping your eyes from wondering off screen. They really helped to highlight the film, making a good movie just that much better.

Highlights: Jennifer Beals is always fun to watch in all the strange movies she pops up in, but the highlight of Roger Dodger was definitely the few minutes spent with the exceptionally beautiful Morena Baccarin!

Who Should See It: Fans of black comedies and anyone that could use a little advice for dealing with women.

How Soon: No hurry.

Werewolves On Wheels - 1971

2007-11-25T20:08:00.000-05:00

What It Is: A low-budget "biker exploitation film".

Why I Watched It: See previous posts regarding my love for werewolves, then add "On Wheels."

What I Thought: Catchy titles don't make good movies. Someday, I might actually learn that lesson.

The movie has very little to do with werewolves and much more to do with actual bikers going through their daily lives. It could almost be a documentary if not for the sad attempt to throw in a werewolf mask and attempt to connect events with some sort of plot.

Highlights: None really, though the mystic biker ("Tarot") was kind of cool I guess.

Who Should See It: No one.

How Soon: Don't bother.

Beowulf - 2007

2007-11-23T20:35:00.000-05:00

What It Is: A new interpretation of the epic poem Beowulf in digital 3-D!

Why I Watched It: IMAX + 3-D = Awesome, + Heroic Epic = Epicly Awesome!

What I Thought: Although the film was only an 'interpretation' of the poem, it was a pretty fucking fun experience. Kids everywhere aren't going to be able to watch the film in order to skip reading the epic for English class, but it's still a crazy good movie.

I won't nitpick about the things they changed in the film. It's always going to happen, even your esteemed Peter Jackson did it! It wasn't the poem per se, but it was close enough and on a few occasions it was way more fun!

The movie was heroic ass kicking at its finest. Sure, Leonidas and his Spartans whooped some ass, but it was only a few Persians. Okay, lots of Persians. Beowulf though, he was a lone fucking monster slayer! Hell, Beowulf's dialogue alone is packed with enough testosterone that he could spend the whole movie giving Grendel a manicure and he'd still be a bad ass. I never thought it was possible for a CGI character in a film to ooze such epic confidence, but Beowulf pulls it off!

Oh yeah, the other characters and actors were good too.

Digital film making, CGI, and special effects in general have come a long way. And Beowulf is the best of the lot!

Highlights: Angelina Jolie being sexy despite not even being present, Brendan Gleeson being the best friend a hero could ever have, really good use of 3-D, and the raw epic awesome that is the hero Beowulf!

Who Should See It: Anyone that digs good CGI, good hero myths, or just good fun!

How Soon: NOW! If you don't see this movie in digital 3-D at an IMAX theater, you're sort of missing the whole point. Waiting to watch it on your little TV at home would just be stupid. And I would cry for your appalling lack of judgment.

I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry - 2007

2007-11-22T05:51:00.001-05:00

What It Is: 2007's Adam Sandler picture where a fireman asks his male best friend to marry him so his kids won't go the state if something happens to him.

Why I Watched It: My teenage cousin begged me to watch it with him on Thanksgiving.

What I Thought: Originally, the previews made Chuck and Larry seem like every other Sandler flick and I had zero interest in watching. Once I actually sat down though, I realized that it was just like every other Sandler flick though I was surprised that homosexual themes were actually handled with a modicum of care.

The comedy makes all the usual counter-productive gay jokes as Chuck and Larry pretend to be gay by following every stereotype they know. As the movie continues though, Chuck and Larry suffer all of the prejudices from a majority population that holds all the same beliefs they did a few weeks earlier and understandably start to see things from the other side of the . . . rainbow.

Is Chuck and Larry a gay rights masterpiece? Most assuredly not, but I did appreciate the decent message of equality coming from a mainstream sophomoric comedy. Even if my younger cousin didn't care to catch the message, it was still there and he was laughing while (hopefully) learning.

As for the rest of the film, [Insert any review for any Sandler comedy here: "Blah, blah... Sandler was the usual idiot but still a little funny, there were tons of cameos, Kevin James was good but he was better in Hitch, Jessica Biel is crazy gorgeous, etc.]

Highlights: Jessica Biel in her knickers, a few good jokes amongst the hoard of bad ones, and an unexpected moral.

Who Should See It: Anyone looking for a, mostly, brainless comedy.

How Soon: Anytime.

The Omega Man - 1971

2007-11-22T05:46:00.000-05:00

What It Is: An old Heston film based on the 1954 book I Am Legend.

Why I Watched It: I was intrigued by the upcoming Will Smith picture and decided to do a little research.

What I Thought: I don't know if it was the production value, the plot, or Heston himself, but the movie felt so much like Planet of the Apes it was ridiculous!

It was weird in that unquantifiable 70s sci-fi way. It had a good concept, but would be so much better (and possibly easier to connect with) if it was reproduced now.

I'm glad their doing just that.

Highlights: Um... the face that they're remaking it?

Who Should See It: Hard-core Heston fans and NRA card holders.

How Soon: I'd just wait a few weeks for the Will Smith version. It looks good!

Satan's Little Helper - 2004

2007-11-18T12:49:00.001-05:00

What It Is: A super low budget slasher flick.

Why I Watched It: I'm not really sure. Probably the name.

What I Thought: It was a bad movie, very bad, but it did have an interesting premise.

A little kid idolizes Satan and sees a killer dressed as Satan during Halloween. As a game, he decides to 'help' the killer go about his business thinking all the victims are playing along and all the blood is "special effects". Yeah, it's hard to swallow and even harder to execute well in a film. But it's pretty fucking disturbing when you think about it!

Highlights: The kid's impressive innocence, Katheryn Winnick is pretty cute, and "Satan's" mask was really fucking creepy.

Who Should See It: Hard core slasher fans are probably the only ones that could tolerate it.

How Soon: Take your time.

The Killing - 1956

2007-11-13T22:21:00.000-05:00

What It Is: Much to my surprise, turns out Stanley Kubrik's first film was a noir crime drama. Who would have thought?

Why I Watched It: Stanley Kubrik.

What I Thought: Often disappointed by the first films of other excellent directors, I honestly wasn't expecting much.

Kubrik didn't disappoint. Not only was The Killing a perfect example of film-noir, but this particular crime story still holds its own against modern greats like Reservoir Dogs and The Usual Suspects. The Killing even features a fractured timeline at the end to heighten suspense!

The movie revolves around criminal Johnny Clay (Sterling Hayden) and his plans to rob a horse racing track. We see him plotting the 'job', recruiting his help, and skillfully executing his plan. Until, of course, the job goes horribly wrong.

Highlights: Sterling Hayden's excellent criminal mastermind, the broken chronology at the film's end, and watching the plan unfold.

Who Should See It: Fans of Kubrik, classic Hollywood, crime movies, and film-noir.

How Soon: Next time you're in the mood for a good heist movie!

The Invisible - 2007

2007-11-13T20:41:00.000-05:00

What It Is: A recent suspense drama about a ghost trying to point the living to his still breathing, but left for dead body.

Why I Watched It: It was an intriguing concept.

What I Thought: I was pretty good. Justin Chatwin sufficiently carried the movie, but with Chumscrubber and Weeds to his credit I didn't really expect any less.

I had a few hang ups over the things the 'ghost' could and couldn't do, but The Invisible wasn't really a 'ghost story' in the truest sense. It was a decent drama about redemption and forgiveness that just happened to use the 'ghost' thing as a vehicle.

It's worth checking out.

Highlights: Justin's character maintaining such a positive moral outlook, despite being dead.

Who Should See It: Drama fans and horror fans should find plenty to appreciate.

How Soon: Whenever.

The Baron of Arizona - 1950

2007-11-13T19:07:00.000-05:00

What It Is: A Vincent Price classic based on the little known true story of a con man that attempted to steal Arizona in the late 1800s.

Why I Watched It: I love con movies!

What I Thought: Vincent Price was incredible and the story of the "Baron" was so preposterous I couldn't take my eyes off the screen!

Anyone that doesn't know the Baron's story should definitely check it out. That dude had some balls!

Highlights: An outrageous plot made even more outrageous by being true!

Who Should See It: Old movie fans, Vincent Price fans, and anyone wanting to learn one of the weirder stories in US history.

How Soon: Save it for an evening of educational nostalgia.

Monster Dog - 1984

2007-11-13T18:29:00.000-05:00

What It Is: A bad werewolf movie starring 80s rocker Alice Cooper.

Why I Watched It: It was a cheesy werewolf movie with a cheesy 80s celebrity. How could I not?

What I Thought: Monster Dog was as cheesy as expected but not quite fun enough to be 'good'.

I won't bother detailing the plot because it's basically the same as every other 80s werewolf movie. I will say the movie featured 2 very bad/fun music videos by Mr. Cooper that may be of interest to the general public.

Highlights: Alice Cooper's videos and that's about it.

Who Should See It: Only Alice Cooper fans and people that are determined to see werewolf movies of all sorts, no matter how bad. People like me.

How Soon: Don't bother, there's no need.

Harry Knuckles and the Pearl Necklace - 2004

2007-11-10T15:39:00.000-05:00

What It Is: A very sophomoric sophomore attempt from Odessa Filmworks.

Why I Watched It: Odessa's last film was the awesome kung-fu musical, Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter.

What I Thought: Simply liking one film by a writer/director/studio/whatever, does not mean you'll like their other works.

Much like a line from one of the songs featured in the movie, the film itself was indeed "running on empty." Unlike the very next line from the very same song, the film was not "running on awesome." Harry Knuckles did have a handful of very funny scenes, but it was way too long. At 2 hours in length, the movie followed a snails pace despite the director's mention of cutting an additional hour from the film.

Harry Knuckles' few good moments just weren't enough to make up for the slow and boring majority of the film.

Highlights: Action scenes involving gratuitous fist to genital introductions, intentionally bad one liners, and much, much more schlock.

Who Should See It: Nobody, watch the truly inspired Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter instead!

How Soon: Never.

A Boy and His Dog - 1975

2007-11-07T18:00:00.001-05:00

What It Is: "Vic roams a post-apocalyptic wasteland accompanied by his telepathic, ever-grumbling dog, eventually winding up in the clutches of a female-dominated underground society that wants his sperm." -Netflix

Why I Watched It: How can you turn down a description like that?!

What I Thought: A Boy and His Dog was a fantastic movie! Think Mad Max and then add a helping of dark humor and a lot of misogyny.

I watched the flick with a couple friends and we all agreed it was amazing. Here's a movie that desperately deserves a remake, but it would just never be possible in today's politically correct world. The movie is morally wrong on so many levels that it somehow ends up being right!

I'm not going to say anything else about the movie. Set your morals aside, let your jaw drop with astonishment and WATCH IT!

Highlights: The dog's snappy dialogue was easily the best part of the film!

Who Should See It: Sci-fi fans, cult movie buffs, and everyone that enjoys a good tale about the power of love and sacrifice.

How Soon: Right now! Instant Watch it on Netflix, buy it from Amazon, do whatever you have to do. My copy's already in the mail!

A Boy & His Dog

The Toxic Avenger - 1985

2007-11-07T17:39:00.000-05:00

What It Is: The flagship title from Troma about a geeky kid that becomes a monstrous hero.

Why I Watched It: I had never seen it.

What I Thought: It was awful but in a very intentionally enjoyable way. There's definitely a reason The Toxic Avenger earned its cult status.

The movie was originally intended as a horror film about an abused nerd that becomes a monstrous killing machine, but the hero vibe makes it much more of a campy and excessively violent action movie.

Highlights: Hilariously awful dialogue, gratuitous violence, and lots of topless women. What's not to love?!

Who Should See It: Appreciators of campy classics and superhero fans.

How Soon: It would make for a good rental with all your friends.

Class of Nuke 'Em High - 1986

2007-11-03T01:47:00.000-04:00

What It Is: A classic B-Movie from Troma Studios.

Why I Watched It: Troma brought us the Toxic Avenger. This is the beginning of my Troma education.

What I Thought: It was funny, and bad, and cheesy, and gross. All Troma all the way.

Was it good? Hard to say. If you like horror comedy with no intention of being "high" art, give it a shot.

Highlights: Crissy was cute and man-eating toxic baby monsters are always fun!

Who Should See It: Fans of really bad horror films.

How Soon: Whenever you're in the mood to laugh and wretch at the same time.

Bedazzled - 2000

2007-11-02T16:34:00.001-04:00

What It Is: Sexy remake of a 60's comedy about a man who sells his soul to the devil and ends up learning a lot about himself.

Why I Watched It: Um, cause it's got a super hot British chick in it!

What I Thought: It's funny. A bit on the goofy side sometimes, but really funny. Bedazzled also sneaked in a surprisingly good message about what we really want, compared to what we think we want.

Oh yeah, Elizabeth Hurley also happened to be painfully hot throughout. Her outfits throughout the whole film covered the gamut of male fantasy. There's something for everyone in there!

I got a kick out of Fraser's comedic performance, but I still think he really shines in the Mummy movies. The supporting cast is also worth a mention since Orlando Jones and others all play vastly different parts during each of Fraser's "wishes". Part of the movie's fun was waiting to see where Fraser's friends would show up in each alternate reality.

Highlights: Elizabeth Hurley, a funny Fraser, a good message and a fun exploration into one man's American dream.

Who Should See It: Hurley fans or anybody in mood for a cute movie about a guy wising up about what's really important to him.

How Soon: It would be a decent rental.

Commando - 1985

2007-11-02T16:13:00.000-04:00

What It Is: Perhaps the quintessential Arnold action film.

Why I Watched It: It had been far too long since I'd seen Arnold dispatch hordes of nameless enemies without breaking a sweat.

What I Thought: Commando was just as good as it was when I was a kid!

Commando features Arnold at his biggest, cheesiest, and bronziest. It's everything you want from a classic action movie. I love the new wave of stylish action we're getting from films like Shoot 'Em Up, Kill Bill, and The Matrix, but some times you want a movie with less style and more... bad ass! Commando has it in spades. There's just nothing else that needs said.

Highlights: Incredible one-liners, lots of killing, a good villain fight, and just so much Arnoldy goodness!

Who Should See It: Arnold fans and action fans everywhere!

How Soon: If you've never seen it, see it now! If you have seen it, see it again!

Commando (Director's Cut)

Night of the Demons - 1988

2007-10-28T20:46:00.001-04:00

What It Is: "A group of hormonal teeny-boppers turn a creepy old house into party central and unknowingly unleash an ancient demon that chooses, uh, very Bloody Marys as his drink of choice!"

Why I Watched It: The plot synopsis sounded deliciously horrible.

What I Thought: There was nothing delicious about Night of the Demons. It was just fucking horrible.

The movie took almost an hour for the first person to die. A half dozen or so other deaths slowly followed, with below average make-up.

Highlights: The absolute only thing worthwhile in this film is the very last scene, the very last death.

Who Should See It: Not nobody!

How Soon: Do not pay to see this movie, not even a rental, not even a download. If it happens to be playing at a friend's house, tell them to let you know when the last scene comes up.

The Burning - 1981

2007-10-28T20:45:00.000-04:00

What It Is: An early slasher film written by the Weinstein brothers.

Why I Watched It: Looking into The Uninvited Guest on Amazon, I noticed The Burning listed under one of those "customers viewing this item also purchased..." sections.

What I Thought: The plot is a bit similar to Friday the 13th, but not to the point of plagiarism. Tom Savini (played "Sex Machine" in From Dusk Till Dawn and worked make-up for Friday the 13th and Romero's Living Dead films) was in charge of special effects and make-up, but there just weren't enough killings to really do him justice.

Most of the Burning is less than spectacular, yet it's the movie's cast that made it so watchable. Not for their awesome performances mind you, rather The Burning happens to be the shared first film of so many notable actors. Jason Alexander, Holly Hunter, Fisher Stevens and Brian Backer were all on board. Most had bit parts, but Jason Alexander actually had a strong supporting role and a full head of hair!

Highlights: Worst practical joke ever, Jason Alexander with hair, and a nice first death scene.

Who Should See It: Slasher aficionados and Tom Savini fans.

How Soon: Whenever you're dying to see Holly Hunter's or Jason Alexander's first film.

The Stuff - 1985

2007-10-28T20:40:00.000-04:00

What It Is: A horror gem from the 80's involving a mysterious tasty substance the becomes the latest low-calorie dessert craze, and begins turning the populace into zombies.

Why I Watched It: A coworker described the outrageous plot to me and I knew I had to find it!

What I Thought: For being a cheesy movie with a preposterous plot, The Stuff really wasn't too bad. Several parts were damn funny and several other parts featured make-up reminiscent of Cronenberg. Over-the-top performances by Michael Moriarty and Paul Sorvino didn't hurt the film either.

A worthwhile mention involves the debate surrounding possible political satire in the plot. People compare the addictive substance to everything from consumerism to big tobacco.

Highlights: Incredibly quotable lines like "Enough is never enough, of The Stuff," and too many classic B-movie moments to count.

Who Should See It: Fans of 80's style cheese, and people interested in a horror film chock full of political satire and Stuff!

How Soon: Any time.

30 Days of Night - 2007

2007-10-25T14:53:00.000-04:00

What It Is: A nice conversion of a comic detailing 30 days of darkness in the northernmost town in Alaska... and the vampires that decide to vacation there.

Why I Watched It: Because the comic fucking ROCKED!

What I Thought: 30 Days was a damn good vampire film and a good comic to screen translation. It wasn't quite as literal a translation as Sin City or 300, but the changes were fairly minor and didn't detract from the enjoyment of the movie.

And this movie featured buckets of enjoyment. Realistic and visceral buckets of enjoyment. By enjoyment I of course mean bloodshed, but that's what you want from a vampire film right?

30 Days of Night was one of the most atmospheric horror films I've seen in a long time. Moments of truly copious violence were spaced out by moody sequences focusing on the terror and paranoia of the protagonists. Much of the violence actually took place off camera with the survivors only hearing the screams or merely finding the aftermath. 30 Days drove it's point home brilliantly: No one is coming for you, you can't escape, there are more of them, and you are their food!

I also want to take the time to mention the particular nature of the vampires featured in 30 Days. They weren't Anne Rice's sexy immortals and they weren't Blade's stylish villains. They were intelligent blood spattered predators with a thirst so great that every decision regarded finding the next meal. Think of intelligent and fast zombies, but switch food sources and you have the right idea. The vampires in 30 Days were no longer people, they fucking ATE people.

Highlights: One man's idea of "saving" his family, the crane shot over the massacre, vampires hunting with bait, and the often overlooked axe as a vampire slaying weapon!

Who Should See It: Horror fans, comic geeks, and vampire lovers.

How Soon: A good scare just in time for Halloween? Perfect!

Dagon - 2001

2007-10-25T12:24:00.000-04:00

What It Is: An adaptation of H.P. Lovecraft's The Shadow Over Innsmouth.

Why I Watched It: I have a passing interest in the Cthulhu Mythos (the world and stories created by Lovecraft).

What I Thought: Crazy, crazy Spanish villagers fell on hard times, prayed to the fish god Dagon, and became little fish people servants as a result. Weird.

Dagon wasn't an exceptionally good horror movie. I think it was even below average fair, but it did encapsulate the standard Cthulhu themes pretty well. Regular people get faced with ancient evils far beyond their ability and comprehension and then must fight the losing battle in opposition or take the easy path of insanity.

Highlights: Freaky fish people and their freaky fishy limbs!

Who Should See It: Fans of "excellent" Lovecraft inspired films like The Re-Animator.

How Soon: Take your time.

The Seeker: The Dark is Rising - 2007

2007-10-20T02:12:00.000-04:00

What It Is: An updated adventure/fantasy movie based on the 2nd book in the Dark is Rising book series from the 60's and 70's.

Why I Watched It: I'm a whore for pretty fantasy movies.

What I Thought: Meh.

The movie was okay, but it held to so many of the old tropes I felt like I had already seen the film a dozen different times. Kid is leading a regular life until mysterious good guys approach to tell him he's "the chosen one" and has to save the world from the evil guys, blah, blah, blah...

I want to note that The Seeker didn't really do anything wrong, it just didn't do anything new.

Highlights: The time shifting power was kind of nifty, just not nifty enough.

Who Should See It: Nobody. Watch Stardust instead to see fantasy done right!

How Soon: This movie? Skip it. Stardust? As soon as you can!

Hellraiser - 1987

2007-10-19T16:28:00.000-04:00

What It Is: The first in a long series of Hellraiser brand S&M horror movies.

Why I Watched It: The movie has spawned 7 sequels and has a remake in the works, it must have done something right.

What I Thought: It was gory but in that over-the-top style that uses far too many buckets of red paint. It lacked the visceral realism of movies like High Tension or Saw.

The story followed the traditional arc of every Hellraiser movie (person seeks pleasure, finds box that promises to bring pleasure, box brings demons instead, pleasure plus pain equals bloodshed and person's death), but followed up with an interesting addition. The man killed by "Pinhead" escaped and tempts his lover into bringing him back to life by murdering innocents. Each innocent brings him closer to normality, but they have to hurry because Pinhead is on his tail.

It was fun to watch for its pivotal place in the evolution of the Horror film, but I think it's purpose has been better served by more recent fair.

Highlights: Gooey special effects galore!

Who Should See It: Horror buffs.

How Soon: Save it for a late Saturday night rental.

Scaramouche - 1952

2007-10-18T15:16:00.000-04:00

What It Is: A classic swashbuckling tale of love and revenge.

Why I Watched It: Scaramouche reportedly contained an "epic sword duel over 6 minutes long!"

What I Thought: It was surprisingly good. It more than entertained me and my roommate and we don't typically get excited about vintage Hollywood.

The story involves revenge and romance in pre-revolution France. I was reminded of The Count of Monte Cristo, but in all the best ways. The love story is fun in that old-fashioned kind of way, but the fencing in the movie really shines!

Highlights: Decent story, funny scenes involving the comedy troop, and an above par sword duel ranging through 5 different sets!

Who Should See It: Classic movie buffs and swashbuckler fans.

How Soon: Whenever.

Across the Universe - 2007

2007-10-15T15:24:00.000-04:00

What It Is: A motherfucking Beatles musical!

Why I Watched It: See above comment.

What I Thought: It was amazing!

Across the Universe tells the story of Jude and Lucy, brought together in a bohemian enclave in New York and subsequently torn apart by turbulent politics surrounding the Vietnam War. Much of the story as well as inner feelings of the characters are conveyed through the singing of many awesome Beatles songs. Between the music and the images, the film might as well be a documentary on the raging political climate of the '60s.

The main cast was fantastic, doing all their own singing and acting as well as anyone. The treat was spotting all the star cameos throughout the film when Joe Cocker, Bono, and Selma Hayek popped in to sing a song here and there.

Across the Universe reminded me of Moulin Rouge in all the best possible ways except this film was a little easier to get into since the time period was much more real to me. I don't have any real sense of connection to the Bohemian Revolution in turn-of-the-century France, but 1960's USA I can understand!

Highlights: Star cameos, visual stylings, awesome imagery, and the best soundtrack you could ask for!

Who Should See It: Anyone that liked Moulin Rouge and everyone that likes the Beatles!

How Soon: Right now! It will make a great date movie, but it was equally awesome to see with just a group of friends.

I'm Gonna Git You Sucka - 1988

2007-10-15T15:20:00.000-04:00

What It Is: The first (and best) of the Wayans movies, a decent spoof of Blaxploitation cinema from the '70s.

Why I Watched It: It's a classic spoof movie from a time before "spoof" instantly brought shivers along with thoughts of "Scary Movie 19".

What I Thought: It's old and it's cheesy, but it's still pretty good. I like it much better than the newer "Don't be a Menace to Society while... [etc, etc]".

Keenan Wayans plays the star of the movie, an up and coming black hero. He does okay, but the real fun of the movie are classic stars like Isaac Hayes, Steve James, and Bernie Casey. Some of the gags are weak for today's standards, but the most of the film's jabs at 70's blaxploitation are pretty inspired.

Highlights: Heroic theme music, overprotective mothers, Isaac Hayes, and FlyGuy!

Who Should See It: Fans of blaxploitation cinema or *gulp* the Wayans clan.

How Soon: Netflix it when you get a second.

Halloween - 2007

2007-10-06T14:10:00.001-04:00

What It Is: Rob Zombie's remake of John Carpenter's horror classic.

Why I Watched It: I liked the original and I heard lots of good things about Zombie's retelling.

What I Thought: I've never been one to dislike remakes simply because original works are sacred and should never be redone. Most remakes are horrible (Psycho, Assault on Precinct 13, Godzilla...), but some are truly inspired (Departed, Gladiator, Scarface...). Thankfully, Rob Zombie didn't re-shoot Halloween frame for frame *cough, Psycho, cough* and instead took Carpenter's advice to "make it his own".

Zombie took the chance to explain a great deal more about, the now iconic, Michael Meyers. We got to see little Michael's abusive upbringing and we came to understand how real psychopaths are made. There were a few small problems with this approach though.

The first half of the movie, Michael's backstory, was BORING. The Michael Meyers we know and love is a mysteriously silent killing machine with no history, no personality, and no motives save an assumed love of carnage. The Michael shown to us in this remake is just a sick man with a fucked up childhood. Once the unknown and unexplained in Michael's backstory was all filled in, he wasn't a scary monster any longer. He was just a mixed up kid. Halloween ceased to be a horror movie and became more of a psychological thriller.

An unimpressive thriller at that. With choppy, indiscernible camera work. Mumble... bitch... etc.

Highlights: More information about Michael's iconic mask and coveralls, continued use of the classic theme music, and Malcolm Mcdowell as Dr. Loomis!

Who Should See It: Fans of Zombie's other movies will probably love this one.

How Soon: Whenever.

Resident Evil: Extinction - 2007

2007-10-06T14:07:00.000-04:00

What It Is: A completely unnecessary third installment in the Resident Evil series.

Why I Watched It: The first one was good, the second was okay, and they all feature the lovely Milla Jovovich kicking ass!

What I Thought: It SUCKED! When it comes to horror films, my standards aren't very high. It's rare to find an incredibly good film in an under appreciated genre, so I don't like to set myself up for disappointment. Extinction however, was just awful!

Were the effects good? Yeah. Was Milla gorgeous while covered in the blood of her enemies? Yeah. Was the plot bearable? Not at all.

I will not even begin to describe the idiocy that was this movie's storyline. I'll just say that the world ended and now the super telekinesis powers of Milla's character are the only hope of saving it. You see what I mean?

Highlights: Cool special effects, lots of Milla Jovovich, returning characters from RE: 2, and a murder of zombie crows.

Who Should See It: No one. I'm a hardcore Milla fan that watched Extinction simply because she was in it and I'm telling you, it wasn't worth it.

How Soon: Never.

High Tension (Haute Tension) - 2003

2007-10-04T13:19:00.000-04:00

What It Is: A movie that single handedly proves French cinema is capable of more than artsy romances.

Why I Watched It: I've seen a ton of French films and was more than intrigued at the rumor of a French slasher film, done well!

What I Thought: Bloody brilliant!

Cécile de France is incredible as the main character, but the rest of the cast is only mediocre. Not that it matters that much. We don't watch slasher films for the quality acting now do we?

The violence and gore in High Tension are ratcheted many notches above the vast majority of half-assed American horror films. High Tension also plays on our expectations of the slasher genre with a few unexpected twists and turns.

Watch the Unrated Version. Unlike most "extended" or "unedited" DVDs out there, High Tension's NC17 cut includes an entire death scene completely removed from the R version as well as many deliciously gruesome seconds worth of gore that really drive the guttural impact of the film.

It deserves mention that High Tension isn't simply an excuse for bloodshed. There is a very interesting story underlying all the violence that will leave you thinking long after the movie's over.

Highlights: Gruesome death scenes, only the second film I've seen that features oral sex with a severed head, many deaths are drawn out just enough to hit you with some extreme discomfort, interesting twists and plays on the genre, and one bad ass chick with a barbed wire bat!

Who Should See It: Horror fans, slasher fans, or people that think all foreign films are black and white silent films about romance or love.

How Soon: Grab the Unrated DVD and settle in for 1.5 hours of delicious discomfort that only a well crafted gore-fest can bring!

High Tension (Unrated Widescreen Edition)

Almost Finished...

2007-10-02T10:18:00.000-04:00

Last Thursday was moving day, I gained a new apartment and a new roommate. Between the pre-move shit and the post-move stuff I'm finally nearing the end of the insanity. It's been a loooong time since I've been able to watch a movie and I can't wait to curl up and relax for the first time in 2 weeks.

I'll back soon people!

Eastern Promises - 2007

2007-09-24T00:30:00.000-04:00

What It Is: A new thriller about a Russian crime syndicate in London.

Why I Watched It: Viggo Mortensen, Naomi Watts, David Cronenberg, and Steven Knight (writer of Dirty Pretty Things) were all reasons to check it out.

What I Thought: Something's got me a little hung up. I'll try to figure it out...

The acting was amazing and the violence was Cronenberg intense. Yet, something about the story left me feeling like I was missing something.

Dirty Pretty Things was incredible and A History of Violence was fucking awesome. Eastern Promises should've rocked, but it just... didn't. It was good, but just not great. The movie felt unfinished. I'm not talking production, I mean the plot felt unfinished.

When Eastern Promises begins, it's all about Naomi Watts. Viggo's character is little more than a cameo for the first half of the film. As the movie progresses however, we spend less time with Watts and learn more and more about Mortensen. It seemed like the movie ended just when Viggo's character was hitting his defining moment. The Watts storyline was wrapped up, but the Mortenson story was just getting good! I felt robbed!

Eastern Promises was all right, but I think another 20 minutes of Viggo stuff at the end would have really made the film shine.

Highlights: Great performances from all involved and an uncommon dose of male nudity during a bloody and visceral knife fight at a public bath.

Who Should See It: You won't hate the film, but I think Dirty Pretty Things and A History of Violence are much better movies.

How Soon: Whenever.

The Insatiable - 2006

2007-09-18T14:57:00.000-04:00

What It Is: A low budget Sean Patrick Flanery vampire movie that has more in common with Little Shop of Horrors than recent vamp flicks like Blade and Underworld. Flanery plays a regular guy that captures a vampire to prevent her from hunting, but the longer he keeps her captive the more he starts to fall for her.

Why I Watched It: Cause it's about vampires and Flanery's a good guy.

What I Thought: Not bad for a low budget film. The blood was sparse, but present enough to remind me that it was a horror movie. More than anything else, The Insatiable is about a guy's personal struggle with right and wrong.

He tracks down the vampire because she's killed 3 people in his neighborhood, but he can't bring himself to kill her once he finds her. He devises a trap instead and eventually captures her, holding her until he can think of a plan. He can't let her out, but he can't bear to see her starve to death so he spends the next few days coming up with ways to feed her. All the while, Silence of the Lambs style mind games ensue between captor and captive, until a final decision must be made.

Highlights: Flanery was an adorably believable dork, Charlotte Ayanna was sexy without being cliche, and a surprise appearance by Michael Biehn as a hardened vampire hunter.

Who Should See It: Hardcore fans of Sean Patrick Flanery or vampire movies.

How Soon: Take your time, The Insatiable is fun but it isn't exactly brilliant.

The Insatiable

D-War - 2007

2007-09-17T12:42:00.000-04:00

What It Is: A big budget Korean movie about monstrous serpents searching for the ultimate power.

Why I Watched It: Explosions plus dragons equals awesome. Still, I wasn't exactly rushing to theater, but my friend convinced me to see it on a lark.

What I Thought: I shouldn't have bothered. It was schlock. Take a really bad 70s kung fu flick, add it to the horrible Dungeons & Dragons movie, and you have D-War.

It sucked!

Highlights: The terrible dialogue led me to believe Engrish had been translated into bad English.

Who Should See It: People that deserve to be punished.

How Soon: As soon as they do something awful enough to deserve quality cinema like D-War.

Cinema of Death - 1987

2007-09-15T10:52:00.000-04:00

What It Is: A DVD compilation of 5 "underground" short films dealing with the concept of death.

Why I Watched It: Tara Tainton thought I would find it interesting.

What I Thought: I did!

Two of the films were indecipherable artsy crap that I won't waste anymore time on, but the other 3 were pretty memorable.

Adoration - a mostly silent, black and white film about the "true story" of a man with so much desire for a girl that he kills her... and eats her. Only makes sense, right?

Dislandia - a truly bizarre depiction of a young girl named Lindsey, her fucked up paper mache masks, and her nightmarish delusions. Remember the freaky video from The Ring? Dislandia is 3 times as freaky and at least twice as long!

Le Poem - a full color French short about a real autopsy with a narrator reading a poem (The Drunken Boat) during the procedure. The character in the poem seems to be struggling with death and, when the film overlaps the poem with the real live autopsy, I got the feeling the poem was being read by the corpse's spirit. Wild!

Highlights: Man hands, draining dirty blood, cannibalism, paper mache, stitched hooves, and sliced eyelids. Oh my!

Who Should See It: Short film connoisseurs, silent film fans, and anybody that enjoys a jolt of the wickedly bizarre.

How Soon: Save it for just before bed and I guarantee you interesting dreams!

Cinema of Death